- A day without sunshine is like, night.
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
- When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
- Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
- I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
- You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
- I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
- Honk if you love peace and quiet.
- Pardon my driving; I'm reloading.
- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
- Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
- It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
- I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? -
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
- Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
- Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going the wrong way.
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- He who hesitates is probably right.
- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
- The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
- The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
- Two wrongs are only the beginning.
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
- Change is inevitable...except from vending machines.
- Don't sweat petty things...or pet sweaty things.
- A fool and his money are soon partying.
- Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
- Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!
- If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
- How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
- Why not get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
- Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
- Death to all fanatics! - Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
- Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
- Half the people you know are below average
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- 427 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you....