The Move
Aug 12th - Moved to my new home in Minnesota.
It's so beautiful here,the lakes are so serene and picturesque.
Can hardly wait to see the fields with a covering of snow.
I love it here.
Oct 14th - Minnesota is the most beautiful place on earth.
The leaves are turning all different colors.
I love the shades of red and orange.
Went for a ride and spotted some deer.
They are so graceful, certainly they are the most peaceful creatures on earth.
This must be paradise.
I love it here.
Nov 11th - Deer season will start soon.
I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such elegant creatures.
The very symbols of peace and tranquillity.
Hope it will snow soon.
I love it here.
Dec 2nd It snowed last night.
Woke up to find everything blanketed in white.
It looks like a postcard.
We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway.
We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snowplow came by we got to shovel the driveway again.
What a beautiful place.
Mother Nature in perfect harmony.
I love Minnesota.
Dec 12th - More snow last night.
I love it here.
The snowplow did his trick again (that little rascal).
A winter wonderland.
I love it here.
Dec 19th - More snow last night.
I love it here.
Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work this time.
I'm exhausted from shoveling.
I think I need a snowplow.
Dec 22nd - More of the white crap fell last night.
I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling.
I think the snowplow hides around the curve and waits until I'm done shoveling the driveway.
They should use more salt to melt the damn ice.
Dec 28th - More white shit last night.
Been inside since Christmas Day except for shoveling out the driveway after "Snowplow Harry" comes by every time.
Can't go anywhere; the car is buried in mountain of white.
The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of this crap tonight.
Do you know how many shovelfuls that is? Jan 1st Happy Fucking New Year!! The weatherman was wrong again.
We got 31 inches of the white shit this time.
At this rate it won't melt until the 4th of July.
The snowplow got stuck up the road and the driver had the balls to come to the door to borrow my shovel.
I told him that I've broken 6 shovels already from shoveling the shit he's pushed into my driveway.
I broke the last one over his head.
Jan 4th Finally got out of the house today.
I went to the store to get some food and on the way back, a damned deer ran in front of my car and I hit the bastard.
Did $3,000 damage to my car.
Those beasts are a menace.
Wish hunters had killed them all last November.
Apr 30th - Took the car to the garage in town.
Would you believe the damn thing is rotting out from all the salt they keep dumping all over the road?
Car looks like a piece of shit.
May 15th - Packed up and moved to Arizona.
I can't imagine anyone in their right frigin' mind would ever want to live in that this godforsaken state.
May 30th - Now this is a state that knows how to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings.
Mountains and deserts blended together.
What a place!
Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket.
It was beautiful.
I've finally found my home.
I love it here.
June 14th - Really heating up.
Got to 100 today.
Not a problem.
Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.
June 30th - Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today.
Lots of cactus and rocks.
What a breeze to maintain.
No more mowing for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th - The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week.
How do people really get used to this kind of heat? Al least it's a dry heat.
Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th Fell asleep by the pool.
(Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do.
I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th I didn't see Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left for work this morning.
By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery.
I told the kids she ran away.
The car now smells like Kibbles and shit.
No more pets in this heat! July 25th Dry heat my ass.
Hot is hot!! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th - Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now.
$1,100 in goddamn house payments and we can't even go inside.
Why did I ever come here? Aug 4th It's 115 degrees.
Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today.
It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90.
Stupid repairman pissed in my pool.
I hate this fucking state.
Aug 8th - If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his throat out.
Goddamn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted Garfield!!
Aug 10th - The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and Sunny.
It's been too hot to screw for two months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this barren damn desert??
Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the pool.
Even a cactus can't live in this heat.
Aug 14th - Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today.
Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln.
The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"
My wife had to spend the $1,100 house payment to bail me out of jail.
Aug 30th - Worst day of the damn summer.
I'm not leaving the house.
The monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell.
The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with it's new $500 windshield.
That does it, we're moving to Los Angeles where we can get some peace and quiet.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005 2:50:58 PM, From: jim, To: Jokes