I’m so old that

When I walk, I can hear my knees. I have to trim my toenails with a Dremel. I have a hat that says "Make Love, Not War". I think Nixon's tapped my phone. I blast the stereo so I can hear it. I have to ask others to read my notes. I sit on a donut. I drink Pepsi to burp. The bathroom is my favorite room and the bedroom isn't. The voice in my head sings Frank Sinatra songs. I still think the Monkeys are cool.I call everybody MAN. When I pass gas, I think there's someone knocking on my door. I think the bathroom mirror is ugly. I sort my sock drawer. I take sink baths and shower my dog. I pass people driving by braking. I only sleep for 2 hours, 6 times a day. I think there are little people in the TV. I talk to my dog and it answers. I save stamps and pennys for the investment. My hair brush has more hair than I do. I forget where I put my teeth. The newspaper I was reading turned out to be a Bounty Towel. I went out to get the mail and got lost. I went to the store to get memory enhancement drugs and came back with milk. I meant to put a leash on my dog, but ended up walking my blanket around the block. I'm still cooking a three minute egg from yesterday. I have put toothpaste in my hair and brushed my teeth with shampoo. I call blue jeans britches. I've forgotten what my feet look like.