Jerry Seinfield

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right?

Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot forgot his keys.

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy works so hard to keeping it going, they should give him a raise.

I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time?

I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."

It's amazing how the amount of news that happens every day fits the newspaper exactly.

Men want the same things from both their women and underwear: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

There's a lot of ugly people out there walking around that don't know they're ugly. Nobody actually tells them.

Do you really a shower radio? Is that a good place to dance, on a slick surface next to a glass door.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with?

The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.

What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that on many job interviews, is there no chance you'll wind up naked.

Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?

You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."