- A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
- A will is a dead giveaway.
- Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
- A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
- If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
- With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
- Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
- The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
- You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
- Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
- He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
- A calendar's days are numbered.
- A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine
- A boiled egg is hard to beat.
- He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
- The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium atlarge.
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
- When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
- If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
- When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Acupuncture: a jab well done.
- Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced

 

Romance
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = dumb baby
Office
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = boss's promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
Shopping
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
General
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Happiness
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Longevity
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Propensity to Change
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
Discussion
A man has the first word in any argument
A woman has the last.
How to stop people from bugging you about getting married
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals

If pro is opposite of con, then Congress is the opposite of progress
Friends don't let friends sleep with ugly people
Beauty is only a light switch away.
If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then let's get wasted and have the time of our lives.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick of her shit.
At the Ego Buffet, everyone is full of it.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
If voting could really change things then it would be illegal.
No wonder you always go home alone. 

Sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.  
Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 
Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That.  
Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In." 
Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Then switch to Espresso.  
In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors."  
Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."  
Dont use any punctuation
As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.
Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."  
Sing Along At The Opera.  
Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.  
Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropica Sounds All Day.  
Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.
When The Money Comes Out Of The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!  
Tell Your Children Over Dinner, Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go. 

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door don't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps somewhere between noon to 6 PM!
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of Coded message: 370H-SSV-0773H.
As usual, Bush was baffled, so he sent it to the CIA, then the FBI, and then Nasa and No one could solve it.
Eventually they asked Britain's MI-6 for help.
Within a minute MI-6 replied "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

Bush - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction. 
John Kerry - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.
Clinton - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive; with NO memory
Al Gore - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting
Bob Dole - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy
Lewinsky - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did
Arnold Schwarzenegger - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back
Mike Tyson - Quits after two bytes
Oprah Winfrey - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB
Ellen Degeneres - Disks can no longer be inserted 
Prozac - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care
Michael Jackson - Only attacks minor files 
Lorena Bobbitt - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy .... then discards it through Windows.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren' t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

Good : Your wife is pregnant. Bad : It's triplets. Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good : Your wife's not talking to you. Bad : She wants a divorce. Ugly : She's a lawyer.
Good : Your son is finally maturing. Bad : He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly : So are you.
Good : Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there. Ugly : You're in them.
Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. Bad : You can't find your birth control pills. Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.
Good : Your husband understands fashion. Bad : He's a cross-dresser. Ugly : He looks better than you.
Good : You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter. Bad : She keeps interrupting. Ugly : With corrections.
Good : Your son is dating someone new. Bad : It's another man. Ugly : He's your best friend.
Good : Your daughter got a new job. Bad : As a hooker. Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients. Way ugly : She makes more money than you do

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night? Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4AM. It could be a right number.
Think about this... No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.
I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke. LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.
DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways. WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water. THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.
THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie.