According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right?

Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot forgot his keys.

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy works so hard to keeping it going, they should give him a raise.

I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time?

I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."

It's amazing how the amount of news that happens every day fits the newspaper exactly.

Men want the same things from both their women and underwear: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

There's a lot of ugly people out there walking around that don't know they're ugly. Nobody actually tells them.

Do you really a shower radio? Is that a good place to dance,  on a slick surface next to a glass door.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with?

The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning. 

What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that on many job interviews, is there no chance you'll wind up naked.

Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?

You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, if it has fat in it.

And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

Escargot is French for fat crawling bag of phlegm.

Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.

I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

A jumper-lead walks into a bar. The barman says, " I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, " Sorry we don't serve food in here."

Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: " Pint please, and one for the road."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was dull but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: " Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.' "
    "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 
    "Is it common? "
    " It's not unusual…."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
    One says, " I think I've lost an electron."
    The other says, " Are you sure? "
    The first replies, " Yes, I'm positive…"

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" 
    "Well, "says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
    Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "
    No, because he's really heavy. "

Two elephants walk off a cliff…… boom boom!

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
    And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
    It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
    And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
    He shouted, " Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!
   The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off. "

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
    Police say that he topped himself.

How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.
How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way.
How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ? They Take The Psychopath
How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It
What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids
What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick
What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.
What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Cinco.
What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.
What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.
What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.
What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.
What Do You Call a Dog With No Legs? Doesn't matter. He's NOT coming to you!
Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.
Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.
What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ? The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.
What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.
Where do one-legged waitresses go to find work? IHop

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning me dicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26 . Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what is going on.

After extensive gene therapy at Sensadyn Labs,
a flat worm has actually learned to play the guitar.
It's favorite song - Layla

Looking for my wallet and my car keys,Well they can’t have gone too far;
And just as soon as I find my glasses, I’m sure I’ll see just where they are.

Supposed to meet someone for lunch today,But I can’t remember where
Or who it is that I am meeting: It’s in my organiser ~ somewhere.

I might have left it on the counter; Maybe outside in the car.
Last time I remember driving Was to that Memory Enhancement Seminar.

What's that far-off distant ringing and that strangely familiar tone?
Must be the person I am meeting, Calling me on my brand new cordless ‘phone.

I might have left it under the covers, Or maybe outside on the lawn;
And I’ve got just one more ring to go, Before my answering machine kicks on.

*Click*

“Hi, this is Tom and your call means a lot to me, So leave a message at the tone
And I’ll do my best to try to remember To call you back when I get home.”

*Beep*

“Tom, this is Gwendoline, and I am trying not to cry, But I’ve been waiting here for over an hour ~
I thought you loved me. This is goodbye!”

Hell, the voice sounds familiar, And the name it rings a bell.
Let’s see now, where was I? Oh well...

Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist ".
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
When blondes have more fun, but do they know it?
Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.
Learn from your parents' mistakes, use birth control.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Don't Drink and Drive! You might hit a bump and spill something.
If at first you don't succeed, Skydiving is not for you.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Time's fun when you're having flies. ......Kermit the Frog
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge someday to produce reproductive organs.
Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi
Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Gun Control means using both hands
The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand collection agencies company.
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
Wife - "What do you think you're doing?"
Husband - "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,"
Wife - "Put them back! We can't afford them,"
They carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on
the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
Husband - "What do you think you're doing?"
Wife - "Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,"
Husband - "So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's half the price."
**Clean up on Aisle 25. We have a husband down!