jokes

1. Never pass up a bathroom
2. Never let a hard on go to waste
3. Never trust a fart.|

Jack Nicolson
The Bucket List

CelebrityObservations

Why do I have to 'Press 1 for English?'
Every American
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep,
Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.'
Author Unknown
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.'
Author Unknown
'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.'
Drew Carey
'The problem with the designated driver program, it's not desirable ,
But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.
At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.'
Jeff Foxworthy
'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will save the Infant's' life without considering if the bases are loaded.'
Dave Barry
'Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and We should treat it like one.
If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
And the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.'
Bob Ettinger
'My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took Her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach anything!''
Paula Poundstone
'A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men.
I just want to say to the Authors of that study: 'Duh.'
Conan O'Brien
'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??
I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Gosh.... I could be eating a slow learner.'
Lynda Montgomery
'I think that's how Chicago got started was a bunch of people in New York said,
'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just I sn't cold enough. Let's go west.''
Richard Jeni
'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the Impersonators would be dead.'
Johnny Carson
'Sometimes I think WAR is God's way of teaching us geography.'
Paul Rodriguez
'My parents didn't want to move to Florida , but they turned sixty and that's the law.'
Jerry Seinfeld
'Remember in elementary school, you were told
'In case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.'
What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?'
Warren Hutcherson
'Bigamy is having one wife or husband too many.
Monogamy is the same.'
Oscar Wilde
'Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were a Member of Congress..
Did I just repeat myself.'
Mark Twain
'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Afghanistan '
A. Whitney Brown
'You can say any foolish thing to a dog, And the dog will give you a look that says,
'My Gosh, you're right! I never would've thought of that!''
Dave Barry
Do you know why they call it 'PMS'?
Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken.
Unknown, presumed deceased
'Everybody's got to believe in something.
I believe I'll have another beer.'
W. C. Fields

- Weightlifting: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
- Dressage: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
- Paul Hamm: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
- Boxing: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
- Softball: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
- Basketball: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
- Rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
- Soccer: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
- Tennis: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...
Oh my God, what have I just said?'

Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
Free Puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
Free Puppies: Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
Found Dirty White Dog: Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward.
Cows, Calves: Never bred. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
Nordic Track: $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
Georgia Peaches: California grown - 89 cents/lb.
Joining Nudist Colony: Must sell washer and dryer $300.
Wedding Dress For Sale: Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
For Sale By Owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything..

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

I wonder if Spanish people ever know who deems things male or female. hmmmm....diccionario de los llebster?

- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says - Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers - Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over - Miners Refuse to Work after Death - Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant - War Dims Hope for Peace - If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile - Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures - Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide - Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges - Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge - New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group - Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft - Kids Make Nutritious Snacks - Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half - Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors - Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some moron poked me in the eye with a stick !

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

I was shopping at the local super market where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. Can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. Package of bacon.

I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out.
A drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me,

I said: 'Well, you know what, you are absolutely right.
But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?"
"I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.