Jokes
Here is the joke corner of Lvdude. Enjoy.
<< 01/2007 < 08/2007 Calendar 02/2008 > 01/2009 >>Sign InView Other Logs
Fri 
11/23/2007 11:57:18
 jim  Why Why Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead? Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?  Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?" Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? And my FAVORITE......The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Thu 
11/01/2007 09:50:41
 jim  Tacky Halloween Jokes
What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A dead end.
What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost?
Fasten your sheet belt.
How do ghosts fly from one place to another?
By scareplane.
What directions did the ghost give the goblin?
"Make a fright turn at the corner."
What kind of ghost haunts a hen house?
A poultry-geist.
Why do ghosts go to baseball games?
Because they like to boo the umpire.
What should you say when you meet a ghost?
"How do you boo, sir. How do you boo."
What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
Put your shocks and boos on.
What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A holy terror.
What tops off a ghost's sundae?
Whipped Scream
Why did the baby ghost go to the doctor before halloween?
To get a BOOster shot.
When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before someone screams.
What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk.
How do you make a milkshake?
You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"
Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
Because he's always a goblin.
Why do ghosts like to ride elevators?
It raises their spirits.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
He didn't have a haunting license.
Mon 
10/22/2007 09:30:35
 jim  The US population has hit 300 million, so...
 Who is working?
-160 million are retired, leaving 140 million to do the work. 
-  There are 85 million in school, leaving 55 million to do the work.
- Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government, leaving 15 million to do the work.
- 2.8 million are in the armed forces, leaving 12.2 million to do the work.
- 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments, leaving 1.4 million to do the work.
- At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
- There are 1,211,998 people in prisons, leaving 2 people to do the work.
You and me. And you are sitting at your computer, reading jokes.
 (:^||
Mon 
10/01/2007 09:07:18
 jim  Blonde Jokes
Distance Calculations
Two blondes who were living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking,
and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, Can you see Florida ?????"
Car Trouble
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She Tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
Speeding Ticket
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
River Walk
There's this blonde out for a walk.
She comes to a River and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
She shouts "Yoo-hoo! How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
At the Doctor's Office
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left Shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed.
Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
Knitting
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car On the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
In a Vacuum
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science and Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
The Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had Acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
Wed 
09/26/2007 18:02:20
 jim  Kids and their knowledge of History
Below, are examples of sixth grade research projects. Enjoy...
  1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
  2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
  3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven porcupines.
  4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
  5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
  6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the Java.
  7. Julius Caesar extinquished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out Tee hee, Brutus.
  8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
  9. Queen Elizabeth was the Virgin Queen. As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted hurrah.
  10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
  11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet is an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
  12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
  13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, A horse divided against itself cannot stand. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
  14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
  15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.
  16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
  17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.
    People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine.
    The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. 
    Cyrus McCormick invented the
    McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
    Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
    Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
    Madman Curie discovered radio.
    Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
Sat 
09/22/2007 00:05:06
 jim  A few odd jokes...
I'm so old, I waited for a stop sign to turn green.
Why did the dog lick my hand? Cause I ran out of toilet paper...ewwwe.
My girlfriend is so pretty, the older I get, the better she looks. Thats not a joke though.
If a marriage is an institution, and love is blind, then chapels are an institute for the blind.
Tue 
09/18/2007 06:44:07
 jim  Tricks with the number 9
1) Think of a number, any number. Write that number down: ________ (EG: 4261)
2) Multiply the number by 9. Write that number down: _______ (EG: 4261 x 9 = 38349)
3) Add that number's digits across Write the result down: ______ (EG: 3+8+3+4+9 = 27)
4) Repeat step 3, until all the digits added across are less than 10. Write the result down: ____ (EG: 2+7 = 9)
You answer is always 9.
You can do a lot of mind games with this trick.
But you can use this trick to figure out REALLY quick, if a number is divisible by 9.
EG: For example
     123,456 = (1+2+3+4+5+6) is 21 = (1+2) is 3, which is not divisible by 9. 123456 / 9 = 13717.333333333334
     1,234,566 = (1+2+3+4+5+6+6) is 27 = (2+7) is 9, which is divisible by 9. 1234566 / 9 = 137174
Boring, I know, but it can be useful at times.
Every number seems to have its tricks.
Wed 
09/05/2007 04:23:07
 jim  The Power of Color
Purple - Intelligence / Mental Focus
Green - Success / Decision Making
Black - Self Control / Willpower
Red - Self Confdence / Positive Attitude
Silver - Healing / Balance
Yellow - Patience / Serenity
White - Wealth / Financial Confidence
Orange/Yellow - Harmony / Peace
Pink - Love / Romance
Grey/Brown - Relaxation
Gold/Tan - Creativity / Artistic Ability
Blue - Healing / Problem Solving
Wed 
09/05/2007 04:22:19
 jim  Take this test. Take your time.
Answer over 23 and Mensa considers you a genius. Only 2 Mensa geniuses have answered all of them.
01. 26 L of the A (hint: 26 Letters of the Alphabet)
02. 7 D of the W
03. 7 W of the W
04. 12 S of the Z
05. 66 B of the B
06. 52 C in a P (W Js)
07. 13 S in the U S F
08. 18 H on the G C
09. 39 B of the O T
10. 5 T on a F
11. 90 D in a R A
12. 3 BM (S H T R)
13. 32 T in a D F at which W F
14. 15 P in a R T
15. 3 W on a T
16. 100 C in a R
17. 11 P in a F (S)T
18. 12 M in a Y
19. 13 = U F S
20. 8 T on an O
21. 29 D in F
22. 27 B in the N T
23. 365 D in a Y
24. 13 L in a B D
25. 52 W in a Y
26. 9 L of a C
27. 60 M in a H
28. 23 P of C in the H B
29. 64 S on a C B
30. 9 P in S A
31. 6 B to an O in C
32. 1000 Y in a M
33  15 M on a D M C
Wed 
08/29/2007 07:27:16
 jim  Its Sooooo Hot!
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make instant sun tea.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 F and you feel a little chilly.
You discover it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, 'What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?'
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
Potatoes cook underground. All you have to do is pull one out and add butter.
Chickens are laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The Baptists have started sprinkling.
The Methodists are using a wet wash cloth.
The Presbyterians are giving rain checks.
The Catholics are trying to turn wine back into water.
The Mormons going door to door wearing tank tops
The Muslims are wearing towels around their waist.
STAY COOL!
Thu 
08/23/2007 10:59:48
 jim  Dr. Seuss-Why Computers Crash
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted  at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.   
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.   
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.   
When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the  memory
and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom! 
Tue 
08/21/2007 22:25:44
 jim  Bad Moses

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