His music takes me back to the girl I loved so much back in the early 80's.
Thinking about the my past month, the past year, my life...
I'll always love that girl (Lisa Hupe Cutlar), but, now she's just a memory of some very good times.
Its hard to imagine that any of those times actually happened.  All I have is pictures.

They say a goldfish, once it swims around the tank, doesn't have enough memory to remember it had been there before.
So, to the goldfish, the circle around the tank must seem like an infinite trip.

Memories of loves gone by, Lisa, Annette, Beth, Ruth......and so on and so on...
If I just had the memory of a goldfish, each one of them would be a lost memory.
As long as I meant "I Love You" to whoever I said that too, that's what my memory holds, that I said I love you to someone.

But no matter how I meant it, I'm forgotten to them, just like the goldfish forgets swimming around a fish tank.

I can still hear my dads voice on the cell phone the last day of August.
It flows from my heart, those memories. They make me confused,
I'm not sure whether to cry or to celebrate his evolving to whatever comes next.
But as each year passes, another person dies that I'll think about everyday of my life.
What will come of all of this?
What I see, is god everywhere, taking all forms in all things. I've seen his good sides.
God is everywhere. Those good times, they did happen, but nothing we did will probably ever make a difference.
Memories are for us to love or hate. I love mine.
It'll be hard when I leave this world. I've got great memories!
I wish love could last forever and I wish I could be a part of everything in love.
Today, was another good day for me.
How was yours?

---These words were written by my mom on her dad's passing---
These words and message wil live in my heart forever.
Thank you, Dear God, for my father and for theses words he never failed to speak each night to me.
"I love you with all of my heart
I want us to live togther for the good of each other.
And to work together in peace.
And when I get too old to take care of myself,
I want you and James Alfred (his son) to take care of me"
Dad would smile, always a sweet smile. And he said
"I hate to let you go" (holding my hand). And he let go, and smiled again, and left.

Jimmy.. Does this mean I can now set my autodailer to call Robert's Cell Phone three times an hour for all eternity? Glad you are finally ready to get that Notary business off the ground. HOWL..... But I still think it should be called "Squirty's Notary". It'll be much better driving all around town in that Mustard Car. Is it red like in the picture? Well, I pick up the keys for the new apartment tomorrow. Have to turn in the keys on the existing one on Saturday. They are charging me $425 to fix a spot where the paint was scraped off the wall in what was your bedroom, by the bathroom door. The new apartment is on the second floor over in the building across the way, where that "Sheila" (british term for "woman") saw you playing nudy... Mr. Short is coming over Saturday morning to help me move. Between tomorrow evening and Saturday morning when the big pieces are being moved, I am making what will probably be a dozen or so trips with smaller items. SAE

Businesses (apartment companies in particular) are full of those tiny little scams.

Every generation, blames the one that came before. And all of those frustrations, come beating on your door.
I know that I'm a prisoner, to what my father held so dear. I know that I'm a hostage, to all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him, in his living years

Crumpled bits of paper, filled with imperfect thought. Stilted conversations, Im afraid thats all we've got.
You say you just dont see it, he says its perfect sense. You just cant get agreement in this present tense
We all talk a different language, we all talk in defense
Say it loud, say it clear. You can listen as well as you hear. Its too late when we die, to admit we dont see eye to eye

So we open up a quarrel, between the present and the past. We only sacrifice the future, its the bitterness that lasts
So dont yield to the fortunes, you sometimes see as fate. It may have a new perspective, on a different day
And if you dont give up, and dont give in...You may just be o.k.

Say it loud, say it clear. You can listen as well as you hear. Its too late when we die, to admit we dont see eye to eye

I wasn't there that morning, When my father passed away
I didnt get to tell him, all the things I had to say.

I think I caught his spirit, later that same year
Im sure I heard his echo in my babys new born tears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years

Say it loud, say it clear. You can listen as well as you hear.
Its too late when we die, to admit we dont see eye to eye
-- In memory to my late father Louis "Lou" Cutlar ---

I was getting used to him calling around twice a week. And on the trip to and from Florida, we seemed to be talking most of the way on my cell phone. Its sad to lose someone.
When someone who you grew up with dies, you realize you are the keeper of those shared memories.
Its bizarre how the mind behaves as the memories we have become more pronounced when they are fading away.
The most profound thought I had about dad's life was that house he built in rural Kentucky.
It had a colonial style to it, and it was the only one like it there when he built it in the 1970's.
When I went back in 2005, the whole neighborhood matched his design. There was at least a square mile of simular styled houses.
Dad had told me he didn't feel like he'd really accomplished anything in his life.
Isn't it odd, that his, just building another house, could have had such a far reaching affect?

But instead, Jennifer, Joy, Amy, and Dustin hung out...Robert went with someone else.
It was a fun day!

Adopted and ratified in 1791, the Bill of Rights are:
First:
- Prohibits laws establishing a religion.
- Bans laws which would restrict freedom of religion, speech, press (now interpreted as covering all media)
- Gives the right to peaceably assemble and petition the government.
Second:  Authorizes a well regulated military. Construed to be the right of individuals to bear arms.
Third: No quartering of soldiers in private homes without the owner's consent.
Fourth:
- No unreasonable search and seizures,
- No warrants without probable cause.
- Warrants must be affirmed by a judge and describe the place to be searched, the person or things to be taken.
Fifth:
- A Grand Jury must be held for capital crimes of felonies except under martial law in the time of war or "public danger"
- No person may be tried twice for the same offense;
- No one may be compelled to be a witness against himself
- No one can be deprived of life, liberty or property without "due process of law"
- No taking of property for public use (eminent domain) without just compensation.
Sixth:
- Right to a speedy and public trial
- Impartial local jury
- Information on the nature and cause of accusation
- Confront witnesses against him, right to subpena witnesses,
- The right to have counsel.
Seventh:
- Juries may be demanded in civil cases (over $20)
- The jury shall be trier of the fact in such cases as required by Common Law.
Eighth:
- No excessive bail, excessive fines or "cruel and unusual punishment."
Ninth: Stating these rights shall not be construed to deny that other rights are retained by the people.
Tenth: Powers given to the United States and not prohibited to the states, are reserved to the states or to the people.

I guess thats a good word for it. I used to talk to my Dad maybe twice a week.
Now he's gone. I suppose depression would be a good description for the way I feel.
I just want to sleep all the time. I've lost all motivation.
Help!

I know,  Im in guest mode.  and hey. its been too long since Ive been in touch with you but you can check it the same.   Id like to posit it baby, that I have
too searched for Linda.   Ive printed out cd data bases of phone numbers of every Cutlar I could muster coast to coast (about 200 numbers if I remember
correctly) and cold called dozens of answering machines.   And yes, I left messages, like a kid on his first date surprised she didn't pick up.
(Now Ive got No Reply in my head, thats nice.)    Anyhoo.   Im bicycling across the you s from Bellingham to Nashville to see Doug I guess.   After all these years
He decided to up and fly there to see some friends of ours.   I passed through Twin Falls and oddly enough worked for a guy landscaping and his wife was
strikingly similar looking to Linda, so much so I brought up the twilight zone prospect of her being her , and it went down pretty damn wierd.   We smoked
hella weed too and which she did not cotton for one bit which was where either her alias was dead on underground and locked in tight or she just was not
Linda.     So , theres that.    Freaks me out though that you had an address for her in Twin Falls.     Every year or less I google her name to the point of diminishing return and give up , and then later when Im doing something totally different I muse, "Hey man, fuck it.   Just let it go.   This is a fantasy that is at
odds with how I should really feel about someone who has made such a point to distance herself from her kin."   And then , I am very nonplussed and just have this even more blank place in myself about.  It.   Hope all is so groovy you could be banned from amsterdam Jim.   Peace
-Warren

I miss Dad's calls. He'd probably be calling me about now today.
He was such an interesting soul.  He gave me inspiration.
Please note, I'm not saying these things in a bad way.
He thought the pyramids were built by Ufo's
Its easy for us to assume the pyramids were built by 200,000 slaves in a hot desert.
Its nice his thoughts challenged that assumption. Who really knows how they were built?
He thought you could beat the stock market with a $49 program.
Its probably possible to beat the stock market with a computer program, if I wrote it and hacked the security codes.
Its always seemed to me that if you could change the time of a stock transaction, you could always beat the system.
After all, isn't that why insider trading is illegal....they can buy or sell the stocks based on what the public doesn't know yet.
But besides all of that, I worked for Bank of America. I had the power of god over their systems.
I'm just honest to the point of stupidity.
He thought that I am a  loser.
I am a loser in many people's eyes. I haven't worked in 6 years. I've been a drunk and a drug abuser. I'm not filthy rich.
I haven't fit into society's normal standards for life. What I'm saying is, I'm far from a normal person.
What bus boy buys a condo when he's 20 years old.
What person do you know thats supported over 47 people for 3 months or longer.
When my neighbors went broke, I ran an extenstion cord and a hose over to their house, so they could survive.
Among the people I haven't supported are probably the ones I should have.
I haven't supported my oldest sister, Linda, or my next oldest sister, Kelly.
They both need help. I would assume they need it badly too.
I offered to pick Kelly up in Texas and give her a free place to stay. She turned me down.
Kelly needs help, is probably suicidal, and has a substance control problem. I think she's burned every one thats ever tried to help her. Its sad, that so many people want to help her, but she insists life is against her.
She's created her own personal hell, and has chosen to live in it.
As far as Linda goes
Sonny and I gave her a place to stay back in the 70's at the condo. She moved in with my Mom. They had to ask her to leave.
Sonny took her back in, and she burned him. She'd bring in the dregs of society, would leave the windows wide open in the winter time...she just didn't care about anyone but herself. He had to kick her out. She left him no choice. That was in 1988, I think.
Since then, I'm the only person who's ever tried to find Linda.
She is quite insane, but, I think she could be controlled.
The point with Linda is, she tends to get married for money. She helps people from other countries become US citizens. Theirs no telling what her last name is now. My guess is, she's not even alive. The last address I found for her was in Twin Falls, Idaho. But, she has no checking account, no phone, no library card and no internet access. She's an enigma.

I asked him how he enjoyed his life.
He told me he was free. He ate well. He did whatever he wanted to do.
He said, sure, some times were tough, but for the most part, he had no complaints.
He said he had kids, was married, had a good paying job, but he wasn't happy.
His kids hated him for working all the time. His wife constantly criticized him, and she had affairs.
His job was mundane and unappreciative.
He decided that his life was being wasted.
He decided that the people he loved didn't care about him.
He realized he had no reason for loving the people he thought he cared about.
He took off one day, and never came back.
He discovered how easy life could be if you just let it happen.
Then, he read me an article he found in a newspaper.
It was about the economy, and he commented on it. He was well educated and very articulate.
I realized he was much more intelligent than I was. He had chosen his life, and he was living free.
Compared to my life back then, I was working 6 day a week, 12 hours a day.
My best posssession was a 1972 Mazda Rx2. I had a beatiful girlfriend, but I knew we were destined to go separate ways. All of my friends in Las Vegas were passer bys. My concept of happiness came in the forms of drugs and sex. If I had a goal, it was to have sex with as many women as possible.
Its hard to say whose life was better, them man in the dumpster, or me, drinking a beer watching him scavenge.
I suppose it doesn't really matter does it?
We both considered ourselves to be happy.
The difference between the two of us was he was honest about his nature.
I was drowning out my nature with drugs, alcohol and sex.

We entered the airport with 2 bags, one box, and a violin. The checked us in, but said I had to wait while they checked my baggage. I asked why me?
They said because I was SPECIAL.
I still don't know what that means. So, they asked me which bags were mine, and I said, I suppose all of them, but then I pointed to my Caesars bag and a taped up box. They went through it all. I told them I was confused about all of this airport security stuff, why we couldn't bring hair shampoo, underarm deorderant, toothpaste or any kind of gel. The guard referred me to a website.
Sonny asked, well, is it okay to bring Gum?
The guard said yes. Then I jokingly said doesn't C4 (plastic explosives) look like gum. About then the security guard told me if I said anything else, they would have me thrown in jail. At this point, I felt like my first amendment rights were being violated. I hadn't said anything that might cause harm to anyone, therefore, my speach should have been protected. I just kept quiet, however, I hate to be bullied and was very tempted to call my lawyer just to see if I was being victimized.
Sonny shot through the gates, after taking off his shoes.
I had to take off my shoes, and be frisked from top to bottom. They missed my exploding underwear, ha ha ha.
Is it just me, or did all of this sound silly?
I could have brought my laptop onboard. It could have been filled with liquid. BTW-They broke my camera.
A stupid little thing like a high wattage lazer pointer can bring down a 747, so, why play these games at airports.
I suppose what I'd like to say at this point is, the 9-11 terrorist succeeded in their goals.
It wasn't the destruction of the twin towers, it was the loss of our freedoms in the United States.
Our rights have been trampled and we've been set back decades in our fight for freedom.
The first trampling I got at the airport was my freedom of speech, which is protected by the Bill of Rights.

We used what little time we had to visit Presque Isle Park. It was a nice drive. There's the bay on one side and Lake Erie on the other side.
There was even a big monument to a guy name Perry (born August 23, 1785). Perry had entered the navy when he was 13 years old to work with his dad. He bopped around the world Europe and Africa, and at 20 he became lieutenant in command of a small schooner.
At 24, Thomas Jefferson gave Perry command of a gun vessel called the Revenge, which he wrecked. Anyway, he recieved a promotion to Master Commander.  Perry was the first in history to defeat an entire British squadron and successfully bring back every ship to his base as a prize of war. Perry, at the age of 28, was hailed by the public as a national hero for his victory on Lake Erie. He coined the phrase "We have met the enemy, and they are ours".
I mention this because at the age of 13, all I could think about was girls.
Its impressive that in those days, a father and son could work together without all of the connotations associated with promoting family members. I wish Dad had taught me something about brick laying. It would have saved me years of searching for a suitable profession.

We ate dinner. Sonny and I got Dads violin, and various other pictures and memorabilia, which, I will hold on to for life.
I hadn't seen a lot of these pictures, so I was in awe. Dad, as it turns out, wore my size clothes, so, now I've got a lot of classy clothes.
All in all, I cried about 3 or 4 times in private.
It will be sad not to hear him call me anymore.
I will miss him. That leaves Sonny, Kelly and Linda (if she's still alive).
The world is turning into a very lonely place.
Sometimes I hope my turn is next. I hate saying goodbye to the people I love.
I'm glad Dad surrounded himself with wonderful people. 
Everyone we met there was great!
Our conversations went from practical to wild, and there was a lot of laughter in between. I'm not sure thats the way Dad would have wanted it, but we had a lot of great things to say about him.
I'm going to miss his calls so much. *sniffle*sniffle*

Sonny and I tried to see some sites before the funeral. We went down to Lake Erie's Liberty Park...however, instead of going through the park, we climbed a steep hill across the road to get a bird side view. Unfortunately, there were a lot of red juicy berrys along the muddy climb. Half my face was covered with red dye. By the time we got down, we were late for the funeral, and my face and hair were bright red!!!
A lot of the pictures they had displayed were pictures I had taken.
I was really surprised about that. Everybody was very nice and very friendly. My eulogy was pretty much that Dad may have like believing in the far side of things, but, he left his mark in ways he never even counted. I mentioned the house he had built in Paducah, Kentucky. He got the design from a magazine cover. I guess you'd call it a Southern mansion, but on a smaller scale. Keep in mind, when he built it in the 70's, the houses in the neighborhood were wooden shacks. Today, for an area that covers at least 3 square miles, there are houses that all duplicate his design. His was the first and I'm sure it set the pace. Dad....it seemed...made his mark on the world.
Afterwards, we all ate at a really nice restaurant and as usually.
Aunt Tass paid for it all and I feel really guilty about that. I don't know how my conscience will deal with the fact that I already owe her so much. My carma insist I keep an even slate with very one.

Our plane was an exciting turbo prop. It was extremely cramped. I had a terrible time breathing. The interesting thing about this flight was unboarding the flight. We actually got to walk on the runway.
Inside, we got our rental car, some kind of Chrysler convertable. It was zippy and responsive.
Navigating around Erie was another story though. The streets change names just like in Las Vegas.
Where Dad lived (New Perry Highway), does not officially exist on any map. We got lost, a lot!
We arrived at Dad's house, finally, after a bunch of UTurns.
Honestly, by the time we go there, we were too burned out to look through his things.
The car, they said could be ready to drive back in two days, but by then, it was too late. We'd already spent a fortune on round trip tickets...the moment had passed. On the other hand, the car was a tank. It would have cost $1,000 to drive it back to Vegas. Plus, it would have taken day to get there.
Judy, by far, was my favorite person there though. She could make you laugh at the world exploding. Everybody there was great!!!
Tass, unfortunately, was paying for the whole shabang, that is, except for us. She offered, but, we just have too much pride to start excepting help now. We've been self sufficient for decades. But, she's a real sweatheart for offering.

Louis, (my dad), was an professional violist, and an accomplished brick mason for most of his life.
He is survived by his wife - Lottie, two sons - Louis and James, two daughters - Linda and Kathren, grandsons - Eric, Daniel, and granddaughters - Jessica, Grace.
Condolences at bruggerfuneralhomes.com. Sign the guestbook at www.GoErie.com/obits.
Published in the Erie Times-News on 9/7/2006.
Please sign the Guest Book

Its 1023 pm.I approached the littler trailer in the dark.  Right now, I have a flashlight in my mouth, and yes, I am  in a state of drunkeness but I still have 1 and a half damn beers to my imbibage. I checked the first row of outlets on the the trailer to which in a prevous time I had chatted mundanely with a man who had worked for thie outfit way too many years and who was only trying to say that on THAT day they guys in the trux were letting out some slough , into the river.  ... by which I pitched my stay under the radar of the upwardly immobile dogs of attitude and authoritay beneath a series of hwyz overpassing.
  The first box was blackened and I figured that juicegez would not be quarried there.  But the second of the 5, like a bingo.  I was on the backside of the temporal workmans office by the railroad trax, and my bicycle did prove worthy of enough aptitude to allow my a moment of balance to get this laptop to the ruf wjile charging and to my delight logging on.  But to actually get to the roof of the structure with myself  where I might better sink a feathrr into the faithhaveneast wifi signal? I would have to append the front of the strukture.  So I did attempt and twice did I attempt. At first I had no notion of the peculiar physical unrestraints set up of the  stairwell that graced the front of this trailer ,,, so in the 1st up in a minute I  begAN with a footing that sent me and the construction, westwardly and to the ground accompanying a frightening unwanted entire throe.  Nuffsaid I finished a severe yet enlightened 'oh shit' and crawled up again to  aright the stairwell with a hearth of blue ribbon impulse. .. back to near abouts the door it was saddled up to originally. and then I began what was to be  a very simple access to this roof I now sit at with a nearly inhessitant singular motion  aND ease.  and yes the signal is better.  and I still have 1 beer left but no one to share this moment with. crap.  Shivering, winded and without a noble immediate futere I now am possessed with a sped away itinerary of mind that this is none much more than just sitting drunk in the wind on a roof.
Now to get down again...

Earlier, we went car shopping for the heck of it. These car lot owner/dealers crack me up!!!
"Yea, those Porsches, Mazdas, Toyotas, and Hondas are a death trap" this one dealer said while smoking a cigarette.
"You should spend $7,000 on this safe Mercedes that gets 8 miles to the gallon and has 180,000 miles on it."
I told him "If we did, and I only drove it 1,000 miles, it would have cost us $10 a mile to drive it, and we could rent a limo for for that price."

Labor hard Jimmy....

You got $200 cash and someone's paycheck? And if you have their paycheck, what is the story? They signed it over to you (third party)?

Any news on the Tampa front with John Winn?

Doesn't surprise me. Rents going up at lease renewal time is nothing new. And Camden is just following industry standard procedure. If real estate trends were not upping the price of real estate in the Lost Wages area (it was remaining stagnent or it was going down), I wouldn't necessarily surprised if rents remained flatter. Question is: What was it before it went up to $905? If it was $885, would that be all that bad? Gee, I don't remember paying for water when I was in (what is now a Camden) property on Torrey Pines in SW end of town back in 1997 (MGM days). I'd be willing to bet that the $150 is a misunderstanding. I was told, with no uncertainy, that I would not have to pay any fees to renew the lease on this 2 bdrm, or on moving to the 1 bdrm. It is apparently a one time thing. At least, if you don't move out and want to come back.

Call it "Squirty's Mobile Notary". Whoops, that doesn't do it for you? How about "Mike's Notary"? Still no.. Well, then go with a S-Corp as in "S" for Squirt. Great way to make business decisions, isn't it.