We went to Lowes to pick up a replacement doggie door. Found one.
The cashier we went too was on the phone. We stood there.
She got off and I said "Didn't your mom tell you to stay off the phone when you have company".
She said "NO, and my father was a drunk, so if he said it he mumbled".
I said, "Your mother did too tell you that! I know she did! Call her right now!!!"
She said, "But if I did that, I'd be on the phone when I have company".
THEN, we went to Smiths. Becky got some sour cream and chive crackers.
The clerk said "I love those", and showed us a variety box of crackers that he eaten all all the sour creams out of.
I told him, "Yea, Becky loves to eat them as she sits around on the couch all day watching soap opera's".
The bagger said, "OMG-I love those".
I said, "Wow-You mean Days of Our Stupid Lives and As The Stomach Churns".
Now, I didn't think that was all that funny, but three checkers started laughing.
What do you do when you tell a bad joke and people are laughing.
I just stood there with a stupid (unavoidable) grin on my face.

Yesterday, I took 2 Porsche 914's out for a test drive.
These cars offer a wonderful road experience.
They're capable of going 150mph, and get 33mpg.
They're a dream venture between Volkswagen and Porsche, and I believe in the next couple of years,
That they were the cars of the future.
One was a '74 Porsche 914 1.8 ltr.
It was at a car lot.
I could have taken it out the door for $2,500. It looked like it was in excellent shape.
The salesman was reluctant to let me take it anywhere further than around the block.
I didn't even get it into 3rd gear. The steering was hard, the shocks were mushy, the transmission ground a lot.
When we came back, I talked to the manager. He insisted we take it out for a longer test drive.
This time, I got it in to 3rd, and I'd figured I'd seen enough.
The next one was across town. It was advertised on EBay, as in good condition.
The pictures on EBay looked pretty good, but they skipped all of the can spray painted areas that were more than obvious.
The rubber seals on all the windows were shot.
I took it for a test drive, and through the first mile, something was clanging around until it fell off.
It was beautiful ride though...It drove like magic!
However, the generator light kept coming on, the blinkers and break lights didn't work, the left headlight didn't pop up, the stereo didn't work, the door handles didn't work. Not much worked on it.
He had the windshield wipers off for some unknown reason.
When I got back to the owner's house and started to back up, the engine died.
It wouldn't start again for another 30 minutes. The gas pedal fell off while he was trying to start it.
During this time, I the owner talked about all of the things he was going to fix in the car.
He said he was a helicopter mechanic and knew electrical systems. That's just plain scary!!!
Now, why, why, why, do people, when they sell a car, turn into complete liars and assholes?
I just don't get it.
If I knew honestly what was wrong with the car, I could make an honest bid.
Now some poor guy in California is going to win the bid on EBay, come all the way out here, just to find out the seller was lying about almost everything, and all of that time, money and effort will have all been for nothing.

Damn, I am one cute doggy....

When I'm hungover I hear voices. I like them.
Anymore, I'd rather be hungover than drunk...now ain't that a kick in the head.
These voices sound like a TV that has its volume to low to make out whats being said.
They seems to be mumblings, like the sound of people talking in a cafeteria.
I assume they are generated by my subconscious and therefore I can control them.
If I listen closely, I can hear them when its dead quiet in the middle of the night.
Its like those dancing lights that we all see, that a few notice, and even fewer talk about then.
I was researching the euphoria epileptics have before having a seizure.
Overwhelmingly, many of them have this auditory hallucination.
From what I've read about them, they are exactly like I just described my voices.
What do you call it, when a group of people have the same hallucination?
I've always said, I'll believe in ghosts if I see one. I would love to see a ghost. Are these ghosts?
It would be nice to see something of a supernatural nature before I become a ghost.

I was just kickin it on the couch, and I heard voices and whistling.
I asked Becky if she heard the sounds too..she said YEP.
Sonny whistles and sings to himself in the bedroom.

Becky cleared up. hmmm.

Everybody is having birthdays....

Hey Babe
I so glad that you are starting to feel better.
It was nice to see your house in summerlin.
Thank you for taking us to Hush Puppy's
I'm sorry I was so quite today. I guess my
allergies are catching up with me.

I Love You
Becky

I went to UMC with severe breathing problems. 
I told the receptions I have asthma, and probably a lung infection.
I also told her I was unemployed, uninsured, and I'd have to pay cash.
The receptionist said it would cost $95.
A nurse checked my blood pressure and told me to relax, she put me in a room and gave me albuterol nebulizer treatment. Later, another nurse came in, and she took 2 X-Rays.
Doctor Fellows came into the room and said I didn't have cancer. Okay...um.
He gave me a prescription for 5 antibiotics (I specified Erythromyicin) , 1 albuterol inhaler, and albuterol for my nebulizer.
He told me to see a Primary Care Physician with one week.
When I left, I went up to the receptionist, and paid her $95.
The receptionist said I'd get an invoice in the mail in two weeks.

And of course, Jim's going to give Sonny those swats, right? What would that be, 56+2 for 58? And tell Justin I also say he's rude... But, wait, he'll just get mad at me too, so never mind.

Joy washed clothes over here. Robert swung by.
Becky made 14 coctail weinees, rice and beans for everyone. Dustin grabbed 8 of the 14 weinees.
Later, he asked Becky if he could have a soda. She said yes.
He came out of the laundry popped the top to a rootbeer, and said "I got the last rootbeer, hahaha".
I told Dustin that was extremely bad manners. If you see there is only one left of something, you ask if you can have it.
You don't brag about taking it. Dustin walked away from me when I was talking to him.
I asked everyone what they thought about what Dustin did, everyone said it was rude.
I told Dustin, I just wanted him to have good manners over here. I wasn't trying to hurt him.
Dustin ignored me, so I called GMa. Her phone didn't answer, so I pretended to talk to her, telling her about what Dustin did. I offered the phone to Dustin, and he wouldn't take it.
He went into the rooms closet, walking away from me again.
At that point, Becky went in and scolded him, but he wasn't listening.
I came in, told him I wasn't trying to hurt his feelings, I was just trying to teach him better manners.
I asked him how he'd feel how he'd feel if I bought him a six pack of root beers, and Jennifer drank them all.
He said, "God will provide me with more". At about that time, I told him he was full of crap. He'd probably yell at her.
He told me not to swear around him.

Long ago in the day when dragons were feared by all and hated by most, the King and Queen of the land had a son. They named him arthur. When the boy was five he he encountered a dragon in a cave. The dragon was curious about the boy for he wasn't armed with a weapon or had any shield, so the dragon let the boy go along as he pleased. Then each day the boy boy would come back to greet the dragon. Sometimes when he was older he would sneak food from the kitchen for the dragon.When the boy was 15 he was followed once by his royal administer and when the administer saw thedragon he came screaming out of the cave screaming theres a dragon in the cave!theres  a dragon in the cave! Then dragon said that he hadto go but the boy didnt want the dragon to leave but the dragon said he must but i will always be with you so the dragon touched the boys forehead and a mark appeared on him the dragon said this will allow you to talk with me anytime you want just think of me and ill be there so the boy said good bye the dragon left and when the king got to the cave he saw nodragon and the boy wasnot suspected of the administer was fired and the boys secret was kept forever

                                                     The End

                                                              

Once upon a time...
there was a King, Queen and a red-eyed-tree-frog.
The queen had three sons, AJ, Oscar and Walter. 
AJ, Walter, the King and Queen were all cool.
However, as you may have guessed, Oscar was a weiner. 
The story ends in a beautiful enchanted forest, in a castle far, far away from Las Vegas.
However, its begins in Las Vegas, where the King was gambling at the Four Queens Casino.
It seems he drank too many Harvey Wallbangers with Oyster Shooters,
and bet AJ, Oscars and Walter's inheritance on the Roulette table.
Understandably, the Queen was very upset.
Now, as you know, Roulette is a game where you place your bet on one of 32 numbered squares.
If you the Roulette ball  lands on a numbered square that you bet on, you win 30 to one.
Well, the Queen, intent on winning the Kings losses back, placed her Red-Eyed-Frog on one of the squares.
Vegas will let you bet just about anything. The frog kept his eye on the ball as it went round and round the roulette wheel, and when it landed, he jumped onto the winning numbered square.
The casino, not having any red eyed frogs to pay the Queen with, payed her off with a giraffe.
And the King, Queen, frog and giraffe went to Los Angeles in a Volkswagon Bus.
So the story continues.....
Hence upon a time... 
The King, Queen, red-eyed-tree-frog and the Giraffe arrived in Los Angeles
And they hit  the beautiful Long Beach, which is, of course, a very long beach.
The King belly surfed on his shield of armor, the queen sat on her bustle,
and the red-eyed-tree-frog road on the giraffe's head, while he strolled down the long beach walk.
Then a scream came from deep in the water. 
Jimmy Carter was drifting on a peanut floatee, drinking Billy beer, when he got stung by a Strawberry Jelly Fish. The froggy jumped up and down going ribbi ribbi (he couldn't say ribbit because he didn't have any front teeth). The giraffe reared back like a stallion and the King saw this.
The King, still hungover from Oyster Shooters, guided his belly board over to Jimmy Carter and clipping a Secret Service frogman on the way. The next thing you know, the beach is lined with Swat teams, and a Black Helicopter flopped around overhead.
Understandably, the Queen was very upset.
She placed her diplomatic immunity papers in the frogs mouth, and hurled it up to the helicopter.
The Secret Service read it and dropped the alert.
Then the black helicopter threw a HUGE fishing net out, swooping up Jimmy Carter and the King, 
dumping them on the long beach below.
Quickly, the queen looked through her beach bag, and pulled out a Strawberry Jelly Fish potient.
She put three drops on Jimmy Carter's big smacking lips.
And wouldn't you just know it. It was the wrong potient!
Her potient was for turning Frogs into a Princesses.
Jimmy Carter was now an ugly Princess. 
Realizing he was topless, his arms flailing, he ran frantically to the beach house,
where he was arrested by a security guard and turned over to Animal Patrol.
But everything ended up wonderfully.
Jimmy Carter changed his name to Jamy Carter.
The King, Queen, giraffe and tree-frog all headed for Tijuana (no one knows why)




And the story continues...
Hence upon a time...
The King, Queen, red-eyed-tree-frog and the Giraffe arrived in Tijuana.
When they arrived they saw dragons flying around everywhere with little human legs were dangling out of the bottom of  them. The king and queen freaked out. The giraffe and the tree frog were running around screaming. They were ruining Mexico's celebration parade for "The Day of the Dead".
The excitement was intense. The parade welcomed the giraffe, thinking he was a computerized float made to look like a funky horse's skeleton. The tree frog got separated from the giraffe. He got thrown into the top of a pinata somehow.

Before Sidekicks & iPods.
Before MIKE JONES
Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX.
Before the 5 hours(5min) of homework you put off every night.
WHEN LIGHT UP SNEAKERS WERE KOOL
When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.
When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing.
When we recorded stuff on VCRs & paid $3.50 for a movie.
When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off our walkmans.
When 2Pac and Biggie where alive.
When the Chicago Bulls were the best team ever.
Way back..........
Tag.
Hide-n-Go Seek at dusk.
Red Light, Green Light.
Heads Up 7 Up.
Playing kickball & dodgeball until your porch light came on.
Hopscotch.
Slip-n-Slides.
Tree Houses.
Hula Hoops.
Skip-its.
Reading R.L. Stine's Goose Bumps.
The annoying Nano Pets & Furbies.
Running through the sprinklers.
Crying when Mufasa died in the Lion King.
Happy Meals where you chose a Barbie or a Hot Wheels car.
Getting the privelage to sit in the front seat of the car.
Drinking Sqeeze It "Squeeze The Fun Out Of It."
But wait....
Watching Saturday Morning Cartoons in your PJ's still wrapped up in your Garfield comforter.
Hey Arnold, Doug, Rugrats.
The original Power Rangers
Or what about....
The Secret Life of Alex Mac.
Ben & Stimpy.
Double Dare.
Rocko's Modern Life.
AAAHH!! REAL MONSTERS.
Wild & Crazy Kids.
Clarissa Explains it All.
Salute Your Shorts.
Are You Afraid of the Dark?
The original cast members of All That.
Kenan & Kel.
The Magic School Bus.
Flash Forward.
Pete and Pete.
Legends of the Hidden Temple.
Hey Dude.
Dinosaurs.
Pinky and the Brain.
Blossom.
Hangin' With Mr. Copper.
Wishbone.
Bill-Nye the Science Guy.
Kablamm.
Who could forget...
Snick? & Nick @ Nite with Bewitched, I Dream of Jeanie, The Facts of Life, & I Love Lucy.
Where everyone wanted to be in love after watching The Wonder Years.
Or Nick Jr. with Face.
Gulah-Gulah Island.
Little Bear.
Under the Umbrella Tree.
The Busy World of Richard Scary.
The Adventures of Winnie the Pooh.
Kool-Aid was the drink of choice.
Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school.
Class field trips.
When Christmas was the most exciting time of year.
When $5 seemed like a million, & another dollar a miracle.
When you begged to go to McDonalds for dinner everyday.
When Toys 'R' Us overuled the mall.
Go back to the time when.....
Argument's were only started when it came to who was gonna be the redranger.
Decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe'.
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming 'do over!'
'Race issue' ment arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was banker in 'Monopoly'.
It wasn't odd to have two or three 'best' friends.
Being old referred to anyone over 20.
A chance to skate as a couple at the local roller rink was like winning the lottery.
Scrapes & bruises were kissed & made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the 'big people' rides at the fair.
When playing Nintendo was the hardest thing ever.
When Ninja Turtles ruled the world.
When Lisa Frank was the raddest thing ever.
When a candy bar at the grocery store was the highlight of your day.
When coupons collected all year could get you a prize in your class auction.
When the only thing you cried over was your mom being late to pick you up.
When stress was addition and subtraction.
When friendships were as complicated as who's house to sleep over.
When shaving cream was just meant for play.
When a first kiss only lead to cooties.
When Valentines Day meant cards for all.
When birthdays were a class event.
When a friend moving away was the saddest day of your life.
When the summer lasted forever.
When time didn't matter.
These were the days we hadn't realized escaped us until it's all brought back.

He will be 83 years old.