Its depressing when you find your own father despised you.
All I tried to do was be his friend.
Dad and I talked a lot this last year.
He apologized for threatening to sue me.
He apologized for blaming me for losing the St Louis cross when my house got broken into and robbed.
I told him to forget about it, I realized he was just ranting.
He told me he thought he hadn't lived a good life. I told him I thought he had done just fine, that he had a good life.
However, his written words reach out beyond his grave.
Dad missed his calling to be a good parent.
He was never there for me.
We grew up poor, with an outhouse, and a pump well. We washed our clothes in #10 tubs.
Dad was a bricklayer, which should have been good money back then. Most Kentucky houses are brick.
But Dad was constantly sick, with his retina detaching, his arm going numb (he pulled a needle threw it).
He was a hypo-chondriac, which is why I still avoid doctors. I didn't want to be like that.
I was so depressed living in his house once Mom moved out, so at 14 (1970), I moved out to live with my Grandfather.
I moved in with my mom and my step-father from there.
I got Sonny into real estate when I was twenty one.
I'd put myself through college.
I offered Dad $40,000 to invest, and he turned me down.
I borrowed $2,000 and gave him back $2,500 in two months.
Nobody in the family, except for me, Aunt Tass or Uncle Art has done anything for him (to my knowledge).
About Mom and her estate:
Mom left me everything that was left over after her estate was close, that included this house's mortgage.
Basically, Kelly got $80k and I got $80k, but I had to pay the Probate lawyer $12k and take care of Mom's bills for 90 days. I also got this house free and clear, and thats where I really made out.
Dad thought I was a fool
He wanted me to give my inheritance to Kelly because she had kids. Kelly had already gotten half.
Dad thought I should invest in Vector Vest, a stock scam, instead of buying real estate in Las Vegas.
Mom didn't leave Sonny much, so I paid off the condo and put my name on it.
I also bought a house in Summerlin.
He was insensitive to my feelings
When I took out the St Louis Medallion (from a Safety Deposit Box), and my house got robbed, he threatened to sue me.
(never mind, that I left the house to wrap up an IRS audited which I beat, or that I just had major surgery with 3 bags hanging off of me, or that I was going through a divorce).
I suppose, in his mind, he damned me for moving in with Mom.
Now that I've read his letters, and will read more eventually, I finally know what he was saying about me.
He has told Tass, Sonny, and probably everyone else, what a terrible guy I am.
He dismissed these facts as being nothing to talk about:
I payed off the condo for Sonny.
I offered Dad $40k to play with.
I payed him the equivilent of 400%  interest on $2k he'd loaned me.
Meanwhile, in his letters, he's calling me the equivalant of an idiot because I bought real estate instead of running a program called Vector Vest, and investing in its stock picks.
All I can say is, fooey on Dad.
In Dad's words, and in his deeds, he did his best to turn people against me.
Dad did Sonny wrong
A settlement was awarded to Sonny. He suffered from damages in an auto accident while Grandfather was driving. 
Mom used the settlement to pay off the house on Hinkleville Road.
The house placed in Sonny's name. 
Which we grew up in that house.
After Sonny turned 21, Dad got Sonny to Quit Claim the house to him.
Dad sold that house and went on to build a 2 story house, and start an Ice Cream shop.
Dad lost everything. Sonny did not get his settlement money. 
All that talk about he was building the house for us, and what he was doing was just talk.
If there was an insurance settlement for my child,
and I used it to pay off my house, but had to put it in the childs name, I wouldn't hustle the child out of it when he turned 21. The money should have been put in a trust to begin with. I think I would have been grateful for all the years I lived there for free.
In short, Dad not leaving Sonny with a nickel was a total screw.
He left his insurance policys to his 90 year old wife. She'll leave it her 60 year old children.
Sonny didn't get the settlement, the house or anything...as promised. He did get a violin.
Judy mentioned that Dad raised him. What father demands payment from his child for raising him?
I don't understand these people.
Well, Sonny is my partner, and I have Becky by my side.
Whats mine is theirs.
Anyone else Dad spoke too about me doesn't concern me any more.

This is just too weird!!!! Leave it to Dennifer and GrandMal...

That's because you have not seen the "King Mike (Ginsburg)" bible. It's an old, vintage 1973 IBM Fortran IV manual.

I'm howling at the rain... I am going to hope for minus 15 degree weather in Lost Wages for the coming week. Hot cocoa? How about Warm Brandys? Sounds better to me.

Good ole Sly Stallone... Oops, I mean Rambo... Well, that is weird to hear that it's almost down to nothing. But like most things, it never lasts for ever. Or even a long time, sometimes. Give your resume a try at Inrigers and Rambo (TSI). Well, visit Finnegans another day soon, when you "know" Frank will be there. And let me know what he has to say, and how he's doing. HOWL!!! 

So, we'll probably have to go through eviction procedures Thursday if they don't contact us.
hmmm...I've been on the road all day since 10am (with exception of 1.5 hours). Sheesh.

We devoted most of the day to Joy's getting her job.
Robert squared up with me, and bought the little laptop too.
While at Walmart (for her polo shirt), I bought a xD card for my cell phone.
It was bound up so tight, I got the package open, and the xD just seemed to disappear.
I had to get another miniSD card for my camera, since it seems to ruin them easily.
Also, I checked around for Evap Purge Canister Valve for the Mustang
It causes the Check Engine Light (MIL) to come on. It was on the web for $28. Ford Country said they had it for $112. I double checked, and they spaced, they looked up the wrong car, year, everything. It turned out to be $31.
I changed it out in 5 minutes.
Meanwhile...we still have Amy here, and we need to pick up our rent money, and pick Joy up.
This day seemed like a waste.

 I had a Big O mechanic point at out where the EVAP purge canister was.

Diagnostic Trouble Code (DTC) P1443 indicates a failure in the EVAP canister purge valve circuit. The Evaporative Emissions (EVAP) Canister Purge (CP) valve controls the flow of vapors from the fuel vapor storage canister to the intake manifold during various engine operating modes.
The canister purge valve is located at the LH front of the engine compartment, below the air cleaner assembly.

Big O charged $49. They rotated the tires too. Nice job!

Went all over the Sunrise mountains, in the rocks and up the hills.
Most of the way up the mountain, I pulled over to get out to enjoy the view.
Dustin was going to hang in the car, toying with his gameboy.
At that time, I told him it would be fine with everyone if hung out of at Roberts.
He said he was shutting the game down.
We went to a new Sunrise Park.
Great View!
Played around the raging Las Vegas Wash.
I tested the 97 Mustang on the rocks for skidding and the emergency breaks.
Becky went nuts! She kept freaking out!
I told her, if she couldn't handle a skid, she should never drive a car.
And the only way to know a car is by practicing in it. The back tires are light, so traction is bad.
Went down the Strip.
We toured the Forum Shops and saw all the shows.
At one point, Dustin, trying to get attention, pushed me and I pulled him, so he fell, thus causing a scene.
I told him, don't push, poke or hit people. Treat people right or expect to get hurt.
Finally we, go back home at 11pm.
Jennifer says she lost her overnight bag when we got home.
If it weren't for all of the bickering, it would have been fun.
The capper was the last few minutes driving. I was stopped a left hand turn light.
Becky made a noise. I thought she said GO, that the light had changed.
I said Becky! She said she didn't say anything, then Jennifer jumped right in to say Becky didn't say anything.
I said, Becky did said something, I know what I heard, you can't tell me otherwise. 
That was very annoying.
I'm tired.

Louis Julian Poissan Cutlar
Born: 07/17/1923.
Died: 09/05/2006. Age: 83 years old.
Erie, Erie County, Pennsylvania
Funeral: Brugger Mortuary 09/09/2006
Social Security: 245-24-7178

Jimmy... Last XMAS, you were with Ms Rebecky, so how could it be so bad? Right, I was there to ruin it. Bad me. Bad Dog! Bad Dog!

jim you are halarisaous(spelling) i had fun too. we have to do this again. need help on gettig used to msn messanger. dustin is telling me jokes and im trying to consentate on what im doing o well

OK now I have a P1443 code and my book only goes up to P0999 or somthing like that. does anyone know what the heck P1443 is???? STUPID Pocket Scanner!

---

It's an evaporative emissions dtc. To cure it, replace the canister purge valve and the flow sensor next to it. It should be located near the rear of the engine compartment on the pass side ona Mustang.
-----
One log says that the gas cap being lose (not screwed on tight) is the most common cause for this Check Engine light.
-----
The purge flow sensor is being tripped.

Could be the sensor or purge control valve, but the first place I would check is the gas cap seal.

Other possibilities:

EVAP system lines/hoses (check for proper connections, damage or blockage)

Loose fuel vapor hose/tube connections to the EVAP system components.

The vacuum line from the input vacuum port to the intake manifold on the EVAP canister purge valve (the control vacuum solenoid part of the valve) is removed.

Blocked vacuum hose between the EVAP canister purge valve solenoid and the engine intake manifold.

Damaged fuel tank or fuel filler pipe.

sweet, thank you for the kudz! I edited it shortly after , removing some reduncity, replaced the heading.  The link in 'recent logs' still loads the former, perhaps some db field needs to be bumped.  Totally dig immersing myself in your musings, thoughts and stories as well.  You possess a well balanced pleasant and relevant sense for language, and dispense it naturally, interestingly and most often it is rooted in some love or another for what is good in the world.  I guess that means life.
ciao bebbe

 I notice, yeah , um, highlites, which pleasantly demarcate interwise. beauty.  suppose I could try a hand at it , but its more mun to wait and see how another iffagines the editing.. ooh yeah!

Our CPA firm is Chavez & Koch. They are in Henderson.

What would be worse, tommorrow being a failure or tommorrow never coming at all.
Two months ago I almost died. Last month my father died.
I have no career, just dreams of a future. Dad's tour of life is over.
We're all just a few heart beats away from the end so what difference does anything make anyway?
For all we know, this life is a dream and when we die, we wake up.
That's what I prefer to think.
That thought allows me think anything we dream of is possible, even life itself.

Jimmy went to FLY'S Electronics... Lucky guy... So did you also get a new pocket knife? Hee Hee....

When I got my first dictionary, the first word I looked up was "sex"... Does that me a dirty minded little doggy?

His music takes me back to the girl I loved so much back in the early 80's.
Thinking about the my past month, the past year, my life...
I'll always love that girl (Lisa Hupe Cutlar), but, now she's just a memory of some very good times.
Its hard to imagine that any of those times actually happened.  All I have is pictures.

They say a goldfish, once it swims around the tank, doesn't have enough memory to remember it had been there before.
So, to the goldfish, the circle around the tank must seem like an infinite trip.

Memories of loves gone by, Lisa, Annette, Beth, Ruth......and so on and so on...
If I just had the memory of a goldfish, each one of them would be a lost memory.
As long as I meant "I Love You" to whoever I said that too, that's what my memory holds, that I said I love you to someone.

But no matter how I meant it, I'm forgotten to them, just like the goldfish forgets swimming around a fish tank.

I can still hear my dads voice on the cell phone the last day of August.
It flows from my heart, those memories. They make me confused,
I'm not sure whether to cry or to celebrate his evolving to whatever comes next.
But as each year passes, another person dies that I'll think about everyday of my life.
What will come of all of this?
What I see, is god everywhere, taking all forms in all things. I've seen his good sides.
God is everywhere. Those good times, they did happen, but nothing we did will probably ever make a difference.
Memories are for us to love or hate. I love mine.
It'll be hard when I leave this world. I've got great memories!
I wish love could last forever and I wish I could be a part of everything in love.
Today, was another good day for me.
How was yours?

---These words were written by my mom on her dad's passing---
These words and message wil live in my heart forever.
Thank you, Dear God, for my father and for theses words he never failed to speak each night to me.
"I love you with all of my heart
I want us to live togther for the good of each other.
And to work together in peace.
And when I get too old to take care of myself,
I want you and James Alfred (his son) to take care of me"
Dad would smile, always a sweet smile. And he said
"I hate to let you go" (holding my hand). And he let go, and smiled again, and left.

Jimmy.. Does this mean I can now set my autodailer to call Robert's Cell Phone three times an hour for all eternity? Glad you are finally ready to get that Notary business off the ground. HOWL..... But I still think it should be called "Squirty's Notary". It'll be much better driving all around town in that Mustard Car. Is it red like in the picture? Well, I pick up the keys for the new apartment tomorrow. Have to turn in the keys on the existing one on Saturday. They are charging me $425 to fix a spot where the paint was scraped off the wall in what was your bedroom, by the bathroom door. The new apartment is on the second floor over in the building across the way, where that "Sheila" (british term for "woman") saw you playing nudy... Mr. Short is coming over Saturday morning to help me move. Between tomorrow evening and Saturday morning when the big pieces are being moved, I am making what will probably be a dozen or so trips with smaller items. SAE

Businesses (apartment companies in particular) are full of those tiny little scams.

Every generation, blames the one that came before. And all of those frustrations, come beating on your door.
I know that I'm a prisoner, to what my father held so dear. I know that I'm a hostage, to all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him, in his living years

Crumpled bits of paper, filled with imperfect thought. Stilted conversations, Im afraid thats all we've got.
You say you just dont see it, he says its perfect sense. You just cant get agreement in this present tense
We all talk a different language, we all talk in defense
Say it loud, say it clear. You can listen as well as you hear. Its too late when we die, to admit we dont see eye to eye

So we open up a quarrel, between the present and the past. We only sacrifice the future, its the bitterness that lasts
So dont yield to the fortunes, you sometimes see as fate. It may have a new perspective, on a different day
And if you dont give up, and dont give in...You may just be o.k.

Say it loud, say it clear. You can listen as well as you hear. Its too late when we die, to admit we dont see eye to eye

I wasn't there that morning, When my father passed away
I didnt get to tell him, all the things I had to say.

I think I caught his spirit, later that same year
Im sure I heard his echo in my babys new born tears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years

Say it loud, say it clear. You can listen as well as you hear.
Its too late when we die, to admit we dont see eye to eye
-- In memory to my late father Louis "Lou" Cutlar ---

I was getting used to him calling around twice a week. And on the trip to and from Florida, we seemed to be talking most of the way on my cell phone. Its sad to lose someone.
When someone who you grew up with dies, you realize you are the keeper of those shared memories.
Its bizarre how the mind behaves as the memories we have become more pronounced when they are fading away.
The most profound thought I had about dad's life was that house he built in rural Kentucky.
It had a colonial style to it, and it was the only one like it there when he built it in the 1970's.
When I went back in 2005, the whole neighborhood matched his design. There was at least a square mile of simular styled houses.
Dad had told me he didn't feel like he'd really accomplished anything in his life.
Isn't it odd, that his, just building another house, could have had such a far reaching affect?

But instead, Jennifer, Joy, Amy, and Dustin hung out...Robert went with someone else.
It was a fun day!

Adopted and ratified in 1791, the Bill of Rights are:
First:
- Prohibits laws establishing a religion.
- Bans laws which would restrict freedom of religion, speech, press (now interpreted as covering all media)
- Gives the right to peaceably assemble and petition the government.
Second:  Authorizes a well regulated military. Construed to be the right of individuals to bear arms.
Third: No quartering of soldiers in private homes without the owner's consent.
Fourth:
- No unreasonable search and seizures,
- No warrants without probable cause.
- Warrants must be affirmed by a judge and describe the place to be searched, the person or things to be taken.
Fifth:
- A Grand Jury must be held for capital crimes of felonies except under martial law in the time of war or "public danger"
- No person may be tried twice for the same offense;
- No one may be compelled to be a witness against himself
- No one can be deprived of life, liberty or property without "due process of law"
- No taking of property for public use (eminent domain) without just compensation.
Sixth:
- Right to a speedy and public trial
- Impartial local jury
- Information on the nature and cause of accusation
- Confront witnesses against him, right to subpena witnesses,
- The right to have counsel.
Seventh:
- Juries may be demanded in civil cases (over $20)
- The jury shall be trier of the fact in such cases as required by Common Law.
Eighth:
- No excessive bail, excessive fines or "cruel and unusual punishment."
Ninth: Stating these rights shall not be construed to deny that other rights are retained by the people.
Tenth: Powers given to the United States and not prohibited to the states, are reserved to the states or to the people.

I guess thats a good word for it. I used to talk to my Dad maybe twice a week.
Now he's gone. I suppose depression would be a good description for the way I feel.
I just want to sleep all the time. I've lost all motivation.
Help!

I know,  Im in guest mode.  and hey. its been too long since Ive been in touch with you but you can check it the same.   Id like to posit it baby, that I have
too searched for Linda.   Ive printed out cd data bases of phone numbers of every Cutlar I could muster coast to coast (about 200 numbers if I remember
correctly) and cold called dozens of answering machines.   And yes, I left messages, like a kid on his first date surprised she didn't pick up.
(Now Ive got No Reply in my head, thats nice.)    Anyhoo.   Im bicycling across the you s from Bellingham to Nashville to see Doug I guess.   After all these years
He decided to up and fly there to see some friends of ours.   I passed through Twin Falls and oddly enough worked for a guy landscaping and his wife was
strikingly similar looking to Linda, so much so I brought up the twilight zone prospect of her being her , and it went down pretty damn wierd.   We smoked
hella weed too and which she did not cotton for one bit which was where either her alias was dead on underground and locked in tight or she just was not
Linda.     So , theres that.    Freaks me out though that you had an address for her in Twin Falls.     Every year or less I google her name to the point of diminishing return and give up , and then later when Im doing something totally different I muse, "Hey man, fuck it.   Just let it go.   This is a fantasy that is at
odds with how I should really feel about someone who has made such a point to distance herself from her kin."   And then , I am very nonplussed and just have this even more blank place in myself about.  It.   Hope all is so groovy you could be banned from amsterdam Jim.   Peace
-Warren