1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 
4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 
6. You watch the Weather Channel. 
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. 
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door don't turn down the stereo. 
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. 
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 
16. You take naps somewhere between noon to 6 PM! 
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 
19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again." 
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On a Septic Tank Truck sign: We're #1 in the #2 business.
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
At a Proctologist's door: To expedite your visit please back in.
On a Plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed.
On a Plumber's truck: Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..
Pizza Shop Slogan: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: Hello. Can we pick your nose?
At a Towing company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
On an Electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.
In a Nonsmoking Area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On a Maternity Room door: Push. Push. Push.
At an Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for,you've come to the right place.
On a Taxidermist's window: We really know our stuff.
In a Podiatrist's office: Time wounds all heels.
On a Fence: Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.
At a Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment.
Outside a Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
At the Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be.
In a Restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: Drive carefully. We'll wait.
At a Propane Filling Station: Thank heaven for little grills.
At a Radiator Shop: Best place in town to take a leak

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On a Septic Tank Truck sign: We're #1 in the #2 business.
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
At a Proctologist's door: To expedite your visit please back in.
On a Plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed.
On a Plumber's truck: Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..
Pizza Shop Slogan: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: Hello. Can we pick your nose?
At a Towing company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
On an Electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.
In a Nonsmoking Area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On a Maternity Room door: Push. Push. Push.
At an Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for,you've come to the right place.
On a Taxidermist's window:We really know our stuff. In a Podiatrist's office: Time wounds all heels.
On a Fence: Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.
At a Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment.
Outside a Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
At the Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be.
In a Restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: Drive carefully. We'll wait.
At a Propane Filling Station: Thank heaven for little grills.
At a Radiator Shop: Best place in town to take a leak

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on. Point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down. 
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That. 
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks.  
Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso. 
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors." 
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy." 
8. Dont use any punctuation 
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 
10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer. 
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go." 
12. Sing Along At The Opera. 
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme. 
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropica Sounds All Day. 
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood. 
16 Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard. 
17. When The Money Comes Out Of The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!" 
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!! 
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go. 

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?  Juan on Juan   
What is a Yankee?  The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?  The position of the dirt bag   
Why is divorce so expensive?  Because it's worth it
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?  Doughnuts   
Why is air a lot like sex?  Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde?  A golden retriever   
What do attorneys use for birth control?  Their personalities   
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?  45 lbs   
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?  45 minutes   
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?  Through his chest with a sharp knife   
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?  Because those men already have boyfriends   
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?  After a year, the dog is still excited to see you    What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?  The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving   
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?  Because they have cotton balls
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?  A porcupine has the pricks on the outside   
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?  "Are you sure it's mine?"   
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?  Mace will do that to you   
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?  Everyone has the same DNA   
Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?  Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it   
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?  A different bar   
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?  A speech impediment   
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?  They're hiring   
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?  Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!   
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?  A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..." 

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.  
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking  icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the   index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna   crash!   
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is  connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to   another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.   
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons  in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out   with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.   
When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the   memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, and then quickly turn off the  computer and be sure to tell your Mom! 

"What was Captian Hook's name before he had a hook for a hand?"
Do the actors on Unsolved Mysteries ever get arrested because they look just like the criminal they are playing?
Do bald people get dandruff?
Why doesn't baking soda freeze?
What if you were to ask a genie to grant you more than three wishes for one of you wishes?
If you made biscuits with chocolate milk instead of regular milk, would they taste chocolaty?
If you rented a movie and were late returning it and then you died
  would someone you knew or a family member have to pay the late fee?
Can a person with no ears wear glasses?
Do the actors in the re-enactments on Americas most wanted,
ever get arrested (because they were seen on TV portraying the criminal)?
Are people who are allergic to nuts allergic to coconuts too?
If someone's peeing and halfway through they die, would they keep pissing or stop?
How come French fries are not considered vegetables, since they are just deep fried potatoes?
Can you still say "Put it where the sun don't shine " on a nude beach?
Do Jewish vampires avoid crosses or Stars of David?
Why is it that when adults have multiple personalities it's schizophrenia,
  but when a child has imaginary friends it's cute?
If you swallow a burp does it turn into a fart?
Can you put a gay man in a straight jacket?
Do they have burglar alarms at Christian bookstores?
Why do bullies always ask "what's your problem" when they're obviously not going to solve it?
Do stairs go up or down?
When people say, "I'm so tired it's not even funny" or "my head hurts so much it's not even funny", why would it even be funny in the first place?
Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?
If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service would they have to change their name to Knockers?
If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
Can you make a candle out of your earwax?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?
Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?
"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?
Are marbles made of marble?
Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?
If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)
Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?
"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures'?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??
Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you use the restroom?
Can mute people burp?
What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?
Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?
How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?
If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?
Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?
Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?
Do they have girl's bathrooms in gay bars?
Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue?
Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
Why do you go "back and forth" to town if you really must go forth before you go back?
Why doos shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind?
Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
Why can't you get a tan on your palms?
If your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?
Why do dogs sniff other dog's bottoms to say hello, why don't they just bark in their face or something?
Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been free?
If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?
You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?"
 Well what do you say to people that work nights

Dig Me Up and Get Me Out of This Coffin!!!

Your last name stays put. 
The garage is all yours. 
Wedding plans take care of themselves. 
Chocolate is just another snack. 
You can be president. 
You can never be pregnant. 
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. 
You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park. 
Car mechanics tell you the truth. 
The world is your urinal. 
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut or a bolt. 
Same work, more pay. 
Wrinkles add character. 
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental -- $100. 
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. 
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 
One mood -- all the time. 
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 
You know stuff about tanks. 
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. 
You can open all your own jars. 
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. 
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. 
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 
You almost never have strap problems in public. 
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. 
Everything on your face stays its original color. 
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. 
You only have to shave your face and neck. 
You can play with toys all your life. 
Your belly usually hides your big hips. 
One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons. 
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. 
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. 
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. 
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 45 minutes. 

25.MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS-by O J Simpson
24. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION
23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE-by Ellen DeGeneres
22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY-by Dennis Rodman
19. THE WILD YEARS-by Al Gore
18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
12. UNIX MADE EASY
11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE
10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER-by Art Garfunkel
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES-by the EPA
3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY 1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES by Bill Clinton

Aug 12th - Moved to my new home in Minnesota.
It's so beautiful here,the lakes are so serene and picturesque.
Can hardly wait to see the fields with a covering of snow.
GOD'S COUNTRY.
I love it here.
Oct 14th - Minnesota is the most beautiful place on earth.
The leaves are turning all different colors.
I love the shades of red and orange.
Went for a ride and spotted some deer.
They are so graceful, certainly they are the most peaceful creatures on earth.
This must be paradise.
I love it here.
Nov 11th - Deer season will start soon.
I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such elegant creatures.
The very symbols of peace and tranquillity.
Hope it will snow soon.
I love it here.
Dec 2nd It snowed last night.
Woke up to find everything blanketed in white.
It looks like a postcard.
We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway.
We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snowplow came by we got to shovel the driveway again.
What a beautiful place.
Mother Nature in perfect harmony.
I love Minnesota.
Dec 12th - More snow last night.
I love it here.
The snowplow did his trick again (that little rascal).
A winter wonderland.
I love it here.
Dec 19th - More snow last night.
I love it here.
Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work this time.
I'm exhausted from shoveling.
I think I need a snowplow.
Dec 22nd - More of the white crap fell last night.
I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling.
I think the snowplow hides around the curve and waits until I'm done shoveling the driveway.
Asshole.
They should use more salt to melt the damn ice.
Dec 28th - More white shit last night.
Been inside since Christmas Day except for shoveling out the driveway after "Snowplow Harry" comes by every time.
Can't go anywhere; the car is buried in mountain of white.
The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of this crap tonight.
Do you know how many shovelfuls that is? Jan 1st Happy Fucking New Year!! The weatherman was wrong again.
We got 31 inches of the white shit this time.
At this rate it won't melt until the 4th of July.
The snowplow got stuck up the road and the driver had the balls to come to the door to borrow my shovel.
I told him that I've broken 6 shovels already from shoveling the shit he's pushed into my driveway.
I broke the last one over his head.
Jan 4th Finally got out of the house today.
I went to the store to get some food and on the way back, a damned deer ran in front of my car and I hit the bastard.
Did $3,000 damage to my car.
Those beasts are a menace.
Wish hunters had killed them all last November.
Apr 30th - Took the car to the garage in town.
Would you believe the damn thing is rotting out from all the salt they keep dumping all over the road?
Car looks like a piece of shit.
May 15th - Packed up and moved to Arizona.
I can't imagine anyone in their right frigin' mind would ever want to live in that this godforsaken state.
May 30th - Now this is a state that knows how to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings.
Mountains and deserts blended together.
What a place!
Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket.
It was beautiful.
I've finally found my home.
I love it here.
June 14th - Really heating up.
Got to 100 today.
Not a problem.
Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.
June 30th - Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today.
Lots of cactus and rocks.
What a breeze to maintain.
No more mowing for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th - The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week.
How do people really get used to this kind of heat? Al least it's a dry heat.
Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th Fell asleep by the pool.
(Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do.
I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th I didn't see Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left for work this morning.
By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery.
I told the kids she ran away.
The car now smells like Kibbles and shit.
No more pets in this heat! July 25th Dry heat my ass.
Hot is hot!! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th - Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now.
$1,100 in goddamn house payments and we can't even go inside.
Why did I ever come here? Aug 4th It's 115 degrees.
Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today.
It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90.
Stupid repairman pissed in my pool.
I hate this fucking state.
Aug 8th - If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his throat out.
Goddamn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted Garfield!!
Aug 10th - The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and Sunny.
It's been too hot to screw for two months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this barren damn desert??
Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the pool.
Even a cactus can't live in this heat.
Aug 14th - Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today.
Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln.
The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"
My wife had to spend the $1,100 house payment to bail me out of jail.
Aug 30th - Worst day of the damn summer.
I'm not leaving the house.
The monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell.
The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with it's new $500 windshield.
That does it, we're moving to Los Angeles where we can get some peace and quiet.