Jokes

If Daddy dies, we'll be in Heaven.
I'll take Police Brutality for $20 million Alex.
Brides thoughts at a wedding: Aisle, Alter, Hymm.
Law of Thermodynamics: Everything gets worse under pressure
Congressmen should have a two term limit: 1 in office, 1 in jail.
Statistical fact : Half of all marriages end in divorce. The other half end in death.
Physics: Stress = unit of force per unit area. People: Stress = To force of physics on people.
Mob Restaurant Menu Item : Blackened Bluefish, well battered

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
- I decide to water my garden.
- As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
- As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
- I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
- I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
- So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
- But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
- I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.
- My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
- I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
- The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
- As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye. They need water.
- I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
- I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
- I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
- I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the
- remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
- but first I'll water the flowers.
- I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
- So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
- Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
- The car isn't washed
- The bills aren't paid
- There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
- The flowers don't have enough water,
- There is still only 1 check in my check book,
- I can't find the remote,
- I can't find my glasses,
- And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail.

When I walk, I can hear my knees. I have to trim my toenails with a Dremel. I have a hat that says "Make Love, Not War". I think Nixon's tapped my phone. I blast the stereo so I can hear it. I have to ask others to read my notes. I sit on a donut. I drink Pepsi to burp. The bathroom is my favorite room and the bedroom isn't. The voice in my head sings Frank Sinatra songs. I still think the Monkeys are cool.I call everybody MAN. When I pass gas, I think there's someone knocking on my door. I think the bathroom mirror is ugly. I sort my sock drawer. I take sink baths and shower my dog. I pass people driving by braking. I only sleep for 2 hours, 6 times a day. I think there are little people in the TV. I talk to my dog and it answers. I save stamps and pennys for the investment. My hair brush has more hair than I do. I forget where I put my teeth. The newspaper I was reading turned out to be a Bounty Towel. I went out to get the mail and got lost. I went to the store to get memory enhancement drugs and came back with milk. I meant to put a leash on my dog, but ended up walking my blanket around the block. I'm still cooking a three minute egg from yesterday. I have put toothpaste in my hair and brushed my teeth with shampoo. I call blue jeans britches. I've forgotten what my feet look like.

She combs her hair back and I comb my hair forward to hide the bald spot
She sleeps on my side of the bed, and I sleep on hers
We call each other by our middle names
She doesn't need a bra and I do
We quit sleeping spoons
Now we sleep like ladles
When she goes down on me, it's to tie my shoes
Our sex positions were whole numbers (1..69), now they're fractions (1/2..3/4)

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts
Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever
What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind.
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end.
And always be my very best friend.

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store, a golf course and a bass boat.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.

- You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
- You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
- Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
- You burn your yard rather than mow it.
- You think "The Nutcracker" is a vice on the work bench.
- The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
- You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
- You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
- You come back from the dump with more than you took.
- You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
- Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
- Your grandmother has "ammo"on her Christmas list.
- You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
- You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
- You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
- You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
- You have a rag for a gas cap.
- Your house doesn't have curtains,but your truck does.
- You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean?
- You can spit without opening your mouth.
- You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
- Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
- You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
- The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
- Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
- You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
- A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $10 worth of damage.
- A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
- You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
- You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
- You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65

Why don't cows shrink after it rains?
Why do cows have a hide?
To keep them from falling apart!
Why did the elephant paint her toe nails red?
So she could hide in a strawberry patch.
Why did the elephant hide in a tree?
She couldn't find a strawberry tree.
What's black and white and read all over?
A newspaper.
How many squirrels does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They keep playing with their nuts.
How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They're just too darned stupid.
Why did the deer cross the road?
To get hit by a car.