|Here is the joke corner of Lvdude. Enjoy.|
07/07/2005 13:02:51jim Did you hear about the pollock who tried to rob a
06/29/2005 01:29:00jim Questions to Ponder.
"What was Captian Hook's name before he had a hook for a hand?"
Do the actors on Unsolved Mysteries ever get arrested because they look just like the criminal they are playing?
Do bald people get dandruff?
Why doesn't baking soda freeze?
What if you were to ask a genie to grant you more than three wishes for one of you wishes?
If you made biscuits with chocolate milk instead of regular milk, would they taste chocolaty?
If you rented a movie and were late returning it and then you died
would someone you knew or a family member have to pay the late fee?
Can a person with no ears wear glasses?
Do the actors in the re-enactments on Americas most wanted,
ever get arrested (because they were seen on TV portraying the criminal)?
Are people who are allergic to nuts allergic to coconuts too?
If someone's peeing and halfway through they die, would they keep pissing or stop?
How come French fries are not considered vegetables, since they are just deep fried potatoes?
Can you still say "Put it where the sun don't shine " on a nude beach?
Do Jewish vampires avoid crosses or Stars of David?
Why is it that when adults have multiple personalities it's schizophrenia,
but when a child has imaginary friends it's cute?
If you swallow a burp does it turn into a fart?
Can you put a gay man in a straight jacket?
Do they have burglar alarms at Christian bookstores?
Why do bullies always ask "what's your problem" when they're obviously not going to solve it?
Do stairs go up or down?
When people say, "I'm so tired it's not even funny" or "my head hurts so much it's not even funny", why would it even be funny in the first place?
Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?
If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service would they have to change their name to Knockers?
If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
Can you make a candle out of your earwax?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?
Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?
"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?
Are marbles made of marble?
Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?
If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)
Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?
"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures'?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??
Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you use the restroom?
Can mute people burp?
What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?
Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?
How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?
If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?
Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?
Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?
Do they have girl's bathrooms in gay bars?
Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue?
Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
Why do you go "back and forth" to town if you really must go forth before you go back?
Why doos shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind?
Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
Why can't you get a tan on your palms?
If your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?
Why do dogs sniff other dog's bottoms to say hello, why don't they just bark in their face or something?
Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been free?
If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?
You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?"
Well what do you say to people that work nights
06/28/2005 21:52:35jim What would George Washington say if he were alive
Dig Me Up and Get Me Out of This Coffin!!!
04/24/2005 11:41:00jim Why Men Are Happier Than Women
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut or a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental -- $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood -- all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 45 minutes.
04/14/2005 14:49:35jim The Worlds Shortest Books
25.MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS-by O J Simpson
24. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION
23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE-by Ellen DeGeneres
22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY-by Dennis Rodman
19. THE WILD YEARS-by Al Gore
18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
12. UNIX MADE EASY
11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE
10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER-by Art Garfunkel
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES-by the EPA
3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY 1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES by Bill Clinton
04/13/2005 14:50:58jim The Move
Aug 12th - Moved to my new home in Minnesota.
It's so beautiful here,the lakes are so serene and picturesque.
Can hardly wait to see the fields with a covering of snow.
I love it here.
Oct 14th - Minnesota is the most beautiful place on earth.
The leaves are turning all different colors.
I love the shades of red and orange.
Went for a ride and spotted some deer.
They are so graceful, certainly they are the most peaceful creatures on earth.
This must be paradise.
I love it here.
Nov 11th - Deer season will start soon.
I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such elegant creatures.
The very symbols of peace and tranquillity.
Hope it will snow soon.
I love it here.
Dec 2nd It snowed last night.
Woke up to find everything blanketed in white.
It looks like a postcard.
We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway.
We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snowplow came by we got to shovel the driveway again.
What a beautiful place.
Mother Nature in perfect harmony.
I love Minnesota.
Dec 12th - More snow last night.
I love it here.
The snowplow did his trick again (that little rascal).
A winter wonderland.
I love it here.
Dec 19th - More snow last night.
I love it here.
Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work this time.
I'm exhausted from shoveling.
I think I need a snowplow.
Dec 22nd - More of the white crap fell last night.
I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling.
I think the snowplow hides around the curve and waits until I'm done shoveling the driveway.
They should use more salt to melt the damn ice.
Dec 28th - More white shit last night.
Been inside since Christmas Day except for shoveling out the driveway after "Snowplow Harry" comes by every time.
Can't go anywhere; the car is buried in mountain of white.
The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of this crap tonight.
Do you know how many shovelfuls that is? Jan 1st Happy Fucking New Year!! The weatherman was wrong again.
We got 31 inches of the white shit this time.
At this rate it won't melt until the 4th of July.
The snowplow got stuck up the road and the driver had the balls to come to the door to borrow my shovel.
I told him that I've broken 6 shovels already from shoveling the shit he's pushed into my driveway.
I broke the last one over his head.
Jan 4th Finally got out of the house today.
I went to the store to get some food and on the way back, a damned deer ran in front of my car and I hit the bastard.
Did $3,000 damage to my car.
Those beasts are a menace.
Wish hunters had killed them all last November.
Apr 30th - Took the car to the garage in town.
Would you believe the damn thing is rotting out from all the salt they keep dumping all over the road?
Car looks like a piece of shit.
May 15th - Packed up and moved to Arizona.
I can't imagine anyone in their right frigin' mind would ever want to live in that this godforsaken state.
May 30th - Now this is a state that knows how to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings.
Mountains and deserts blended together.
What a place!
Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket.
It was beautiful.
I've finally found my home.
I love it here.
June 14th - Really heating up.
Got to 100 today.
Not a problem.
Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.
June 30th - Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today.
Lots of cactus and rocks.
What a breeze to maintain.
No more mowing for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th - The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week.
How do people really get used to this kind of heat? Al least it's a dry heat.
Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th Fell asleep by the pool.
(Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do.
I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th I didn't see Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left for work this morning.
By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery.
I told the kids she ran away.
The car now smells like Kibbles and shit.
No more pets in this heat! July 25th Dry heat my ass.
Hot is hot!! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th - Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now.
$1,100 in goddamn house payments and we can't even go inside.
Why did I ever come here? Aug 4th It's 115 degrees.
Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today.
It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90.
Stupid repairman pissed in my pool.
I hate this fucking state.
Aug 8th - If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his throat out.
Goddamn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted Garfield!!
Aug 10th - The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and Sunny.
It's been too hot to screw for two months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this barren damn desert??
Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the pool.
Even a cactus can't live in this heat.
Aug 14th - Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today.
Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln.
The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"
My wife had to spend the $1,100 house payment to bail me out of jail.
Aug 30th - Worst day of the damn summer.
I'm not leaving the house.
The monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell.
The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with it's new $500 windshield.
That does it, we're moving to Los Angeles where we can get some peace and quiet.
04/13/2005 14:44:52jim Things that should be said
- A day without sunshine is like, night.
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
- When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
- Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
- I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
- You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
- I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
- Honk if you love peace and quiet.
- Pardon my driving; I'm reloading.
- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
- Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
- It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
- I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? -
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
- Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
- Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going the wrong way.
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- He who hesitates is probably right.
- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
- The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
- The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
- Two wrongs are only the beginning.
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
- Change is inevitable...except from vending machines.
- Don't sweat petty things...or pet sweaty things.
- A fool and his money are soon partying.
- Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
- Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!
- If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
- How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
- Why not get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
- Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
- Death to all fanatics! - Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
- Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
- Half the people you know are below average
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- 427 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you....
04/13/2005 12:19:31jim Things my mother tought me
WHERE TO DO A GOOD JOB - If you're going to kill each other, do it outside
RELIGION - You better pray that comes out of the carpet.
TIME TRAVEL - If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week
LOGIC - Because I said so, that's why
FORESIGHT - Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident
IRONY - Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about
OSMOSIS - Shut your mouth and eat your supper!
CONTORTIONISM - Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck
STAMINA - You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished
WEATHER - It looks as if a tornado swept through your room
PHYSICS PROBLEMS - If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?
HYPOCRISY - If I've told you once, I've told you a million times-Don't exaggerate
THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - I brought you into this world and I can take you out too
BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - Stop acting like your father!
ENVY - There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do! THANKS, MOM!
03/20/2007 11:26:07jim (Reply)American Beer Brewers FDA Warnings
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol - may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
- is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
- may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again
- may cause you to thay shings like thish.
- may lead you to call your ex-lovers at four in the morning.
- may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants
- may make you think you can talk to the opposite sex without spitting.
- may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, and get your ass kicked.
- may cause you to roll over in the morning with an ugly stranger
- is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
- may lead you to believe you are invisible.
- may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
- may cause a gaps of time dissapear into another dimension
- may cause pregnancy
03/20/2007 11:28:14jim (Reply)Top 11 Reasons To Go To Work Naked
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. You can take advantage of the radiaition coming from your monitor to work on your tan.
3. It's an inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
7. So that, with a little help from Muzak, you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
11. No one ever steals your chair.
03/20/2007 11:30:08jim (Reply)The difference between potential and realistic
A young boy went up to his father and asked him,
"Whats the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered,
"Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars.
"Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars."
"Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked,
"Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! I would sleep with him for free!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked,
"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied,
"Oh my God! I would love to do that! I would sleep with him for free!"
The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him,
"Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?"
The boy replied, "Yes, sir." "Potentially, we're sitting on two million dollars, "
"but realistically, we're living with two sluts."
04/02/2005 12:15:00Jim Things men do, when their spouse leaves for vacati
Learn how to use the remote control.
Drink milk from the carton.
Stack the trash can 2 feet over the top.
Leave dirty clothes on the floor.
Pee in the sink cause its closer than the bathroom
Say: shit instead of doo doo, piss instead of tinkle
Sit on the couch totally naked.
Call old girlfriends.
Get snot slinging drunk.
Leave the toilet seat up.
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