Jokes

Here is the joke corner of Lvdude. Enjoy.

<< 06/2009 < 12/2008 Calendar 07/2010 > 06/2011 >>

Sat

06/12/2010 10:24:11

Hoober Looking for my wallet and my car keys

Looking for my wallet and my car keys,Well they can’t have gone too far;
And just as soon as I find my glasses, I’m sure I’ll see just where they are.

Supposed to meet someone for lunch today,But I can’t remember where
Or who it is that I am meeting: It’s in my organiser ~ somewhere.

I might have left it on the counter; Maybe outside in the car.
Last time I remember driving Was to that Memory Enhancement Seminar.

What's that far-off distant ringing and that strangely familiar tone?
Must be the person I am meeting, Calling me on my brand new cordless ‘phone.

I might have left it under the covers, Or maybe outside on the lawn;
And I’ve got just one more ring to go, Before my answering machine kicks on.

*Click*

“Hi, this is Tom and your call means a lot to me, So leave a message at the tone
And I’ll do my best to try to remember To call you back when I get home.”

*Beep*

“Tom, this is Gwendoline, and I am trying not to cry, But I’ve been waiting here for over an hour ~
I thought you loved me. This is goodbye!”

Hell, the voice sounds familiar, And the name it rings a bell.
Let’s see now, where was I? Oh well...

Sun

05/02/2010 12:38:24

jim Words of Wit

Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist ".
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
When blondes have more fun, but do they know it?
Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.
Learn from your parents' mistakes, use birth control.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Don't Drink and Drive! You might hit a bump and spill something.
If at first you don't succeed, Skydiving is not for you.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Time's fun when you're having flies. ......Kermit the Frog
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge someday to produce reproductive organs.
Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi
Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Gun Control means using both hands
The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand collection agencies company.
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population

Mon

04/12/2010 15:20:27

jim Letter to John Hinckley

If you weren't aware, Hinckley shot Ronald Reagan in the 80's. He wanted to get Jodie Foster's attention.

To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.
In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan.
We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a
complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

Mon

04/12/2010 14:59:00

jim Husband and Wife are Shopping

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
Wife - "What do you think you're doing?"
Husband - "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,"
Wife - "Put them back! We can't afford them,"
They carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on
the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
Husband - "What do you think you're doing?"
Wife - "Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,"
Husband - "So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's half the price."
**Clean up on Aisle 25. We have a husband down!

Tue

03/09/2010 07:52:09

Jokes Dave Barry Quotes

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Fri

01/01/2010 08:36:40

jim The Female Point System

The Female Point System
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
SIMPLE DUTIES
+1	You make the bed
0	You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow
-1	You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets
+5	You go out to buy her what she wants
+8	in the rain
-5	But return with Beer
+1	You check out a suspicious noise at night
0	You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing
+5	You check out a suspicious noise and it is something
+10	You pummel it with iron rod
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
0	You stay by her side the entire party
	You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old
-2	school friend
-10	Named Tina
-20	Tina is a dancer
-80	Tina has silicone implants
HER BIRTHDAY
+2	You take her out to dinner
+3	You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar
-2	Okay, it's a sports bar
-3	And it's all-you-can-eat night
-10	It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favourite team
A NIGHT OUT
+1	You take her to a movie
+3	You take her to a movie she likes
+6	You take her to a movie you hate
-2	You take her to a movie you like
-3	It's called 'Death Cop'
-15	You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans
YOUR PHYSIQUE
-15	You develop a noticeable potbelly
+10	You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it
-30	You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts
-8000	You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."
THE BIG QUESTION
-5	She asks, "Do I look fat?"
-10	You hesitate in responding
-35	You reply, "Where?"
-20	Any other response
COMMUNICATION
	When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
0	looks like a concerned expression
+50	You listen, for over 30 minutes
+500	You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV
-4000	She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep

Fri

11/20/2009 19:04:50

jim Some Personal Notes

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... Again.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever..

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

My 6-year old grandson asked me in the car the other day "Grandpa what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

I think the freezer deserves a light as well..

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

Sat

10/24/2009 10:54:28

jim Kids are Smart

TEACHER:	Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA:	Here it is.
TEACHER:	Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS:	Maria.
TEACHER:	John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:	You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER:	Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?
GLENN:	K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
TEACHER:	No, that's wrong
GLEN:	But you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this kid)
TEACHER:	Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:	H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:	What are you talking about?
DONALD:	Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER:	Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:	Me!
TEACHER:	Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:	Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER:	Millie, give me a sentence starting with I
MILLIE:	I is.
.TEACHER:	No, Millie..... Always say, I am.
MILLIE:	All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
TEACHER:	George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIE:	Because George still had the axe in his hand....
TEACHER:	Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:	No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER:	Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE:	No, sir. It's the same dog.
TEACHER:	Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:	teacher