Jokes
Here is the joke corner of Lvdude. Enjoy.
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Sat 
09/13/2014 11:43:11
 jokes  You might be a Redneck if
You might be a Redneck:
- if your fishing license is more precious to you than your marriage license.
- if your truck, car, boat and mower all share the same battery.
- if you put Alka-Seltzer in cheap wine to get champagne.
- if you've ever rolled a riding lawn mower....
- if you've ever skinny-dipped in an inflatable pool.
- if you wash your car more often than your kids.
- if you move to another state so you can buy beer on Sundays.
- if you've ever gotten naked to retrieve a golf ball.
- if your wife has a set of earrings that you use as fishing lures.
- if the local blood mobile truck is an ice cream truck on weekends.
- if they call you a soccer mom because the entire team is your kids.
And finally, a classic:
- if you consider a six-pack of beer and a bug-zapper quality entertainment.
Sat 
03/16/2013 14:03:17
 jim  Cowboy Tombstone
Sat 
03/16/2013 14:01:11
 jim  The Fun Side of Aging

- I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox that said I can have good sex at 75.

I'm so happy! I live at number apartment 72.

- Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

- Frustration is trying to find your glasses without yourglasses.


- Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

- The irony of life is that,

by the time you're old enough to know your way around,you're not going anywhere.

- God made man before woman so as to give him time to thinkof an answer for her first question.

- I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
- Answering machine message,

"I am not available right now

.

I am making some changes in my life.

Leave a message.

If I do not return your call,

you are one of the changes."


- My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

Thu 
01/24/2013 03:38:51
 jokes  Farm Jokes
Thu 
01/24/2013 00:00:10
 jokes  Computer Problems
Thu 
12/27/2012 10:53:53
 jim  OLD IS WHEN...
Old is When
  • Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
  • Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
  • A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door
  • Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
  • You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
  • You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
  • 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
  • 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
  • An 'all nighter' means not getting out of the bathroom anytime soon.
  • You are not sure these are jokes?
    • Wed 
    04/18/2012 03:38:51
     jim  Rules of Consulting
  • If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • He who hesitates is probably right.
  • Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  • Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • Two wrongs are only the beginning.
  • Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (Project Management at its best).
    • Fri 
    03/16/2012 07:35:54
     QuadCities  You May Be Muslim If - Jeff Foxworthy
    You may be a Muslim If:
    01. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
    02. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
    03. You have more wives than teeth.
    04. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean. 
    05. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
    06. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
    07. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
    08. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
    09.You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
    Fri 
    02/10/2012 19:35:59
     jokes  Strange Thoughts
    If I was a turtle,
    I think I'd want to live in Mississippi.
    They seem to be happier there.
    Thu 
    02/09/2012 18:47:07
     Jokes  Engineered Flatworms

    After a year of extensive gene therapy and training at Sensadyn Labs, a flat worm has surprisingly learned to play the guitar.
    It's favorite song - Layla

    Thu 
    02/09/2012 13:04:29
     jokes  OLD IS WHEN...
    Old is When
  • Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
  • Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
  • A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door
  • Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
  • You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
  • You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
  • 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
  • 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
  • An 'all nighter' means not getting out of he bathroom anytime soon.
  • You are not sure these are jokes?
    • Thu 
    06/30/2011 19:35:59
     jim  Strange Thoughts
    If I was a turtle, I think I'd want to live in Mississippi. They seem to be happier there.

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