Jokes

Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist ".
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
When blondes have more fun, but do they know it?
Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.
Learn from your parents' mistakes, use birth control.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Don't Drink and Drive! You might hit a bump and spill something.
If at first you don't succeed, Skydiving is not for you.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Time's fun when you're having flies. ......Kermit the Frog
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge someday to produce reproductive organs.
Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi
Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Gun Control means using both hands
The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand collection agencies company.
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population

If you weren't aware, Hinckley shot Ronald Reagan in the 80's. He wanted to get Jodie Foster's attention.

To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.
In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan.
We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a
complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
Wife - "What do you think you're doing?"
Husband - "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,"
Wife - "Put them back! We can't afford them,"
They carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on
the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
Husband - "What do you think you're doing?"
Wife - "Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,"
Husband - "So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's half the price."
**Clean up on Aisle 25. We have a husband down!

The Female Point System
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
SIMPLE DUTIES
+1	You make the bed
0	You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow
-1	You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets
+5	You go out to buy her what she wants
+8	in the rain
-5	But return with Beer
+1	You check out a suspicious noise at night
0	You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing
+5	You check out a suspicious noise and it is something
+10	You pummel it with iron rod
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
0	You stay by her side the entire party
	You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old
-2	school friend
-10	Named Tina
-20	Tina is a dancer
-80	Tina has silicone implants
HER BIRTHDAY
+2	You take her out to dinner
+3	You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar
-2	Okay, it's a sports bar
-3	And it's all-you-can-eat night
-10	It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favourite team
A NIGHT OUT
+1	You take her to a movie
+3	You take her to a movie she likes
+6	You take her to a movie you hate
-2	You take her to a movie you like
-3	It's called 'Death Cop'
-15	You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans
YOUR PHYSIQUE
-15	You develop a noticeable potbelly
+10	You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it
-30	You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts
-8000	You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."
THE BIG QUESTION
-5	She asks, "Do I look fat?"
-10	You hesitate in responding
-35	You reply, "Where?"
-20	Any other response
COMMUNICATION
	When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
0	looks like a concerned expression
+50	You listen, for over 30 minutes
+500	You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV
-4000	She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... Again.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever..

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

My 6-year old grandson asked me in the car the other day "Grandpa what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

I think the freezer deserves a light as well..

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

TEACHER:	Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA:	Here it is.
TEACHER:	Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS:	Maria.
TEACHER:	John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:	You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER:	Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?
GLENN:	K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
TEACHER:	No, that's wrong
GLEN:	But you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this kid)
TEACHER:	Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:	H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:	What are you talking about?
DONALD:	Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER:	Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:	Me!
TEACHER:	Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:	Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER:	Millie, give me a sentence starting with I
MILLIE:	I is.
.TEACHER:	No, Millie..... Always say, I am.
MILLIE:	All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
TEACHER:	George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIE:	Because George still had the axe in his hand....
TEACHER:	Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:	No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER:	Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE:	No, sir. It's the same dog.
TEACHER:	Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:	teacher

1. Never pass up a bathroom
2. Never let a hard on go to waste
3. Never trust a fart.|

Jack Nicolson
The Bucket List

CelebrityObservations

Why do I have to 'Press 1 for English?'
Every American
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep,
Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.'
Author Unknown
If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.'
Author Unknown
'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.'
Drew Carey
'The problem with the designated driver program, it's not desirable ,
But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.
At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.'
Jeff Foxworthy
'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will save the Infant's' life without considering if the bases are loaded.'
Dave Barry
'Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and We should treat it like one.
If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
And the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.'
Bob Ettinger
'My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took Her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach anything!''
Paula Poundstone
'A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men.
I just want to say to the Authors of that study: 'Duh.'
Conan O'Brien
'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??
I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Gosh.... I could be eating a slow learner.'
Lynda Montgomery
'I think that's how Chicago got started was a bunch of people in New York said,
'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just I sn't cold enough. Let's go west.''
Richard Jeni
'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the Impersonators would be dead.'
Johnny Carson
'Sometimes I think WAR is God's way of teaching us geography.'
Paul Rodriguez
'My parents didn't want to move to Florida , but they turned sixty and that's the law.'
Jerry Seinfeld
'Remember in elementary school, you were told
'In case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.'
What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?'
Warren Hutcherson
'Bigamy is having one wife or husband too many.
Monogamy is the same.'
Oscar Wilde
'Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were a Member of Congress..
Did I just repeat myself.'
Mark Twain
'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Afghanistan '
A. Whitney Brown
'You can say any foolish thing to a dog, And the dog will give you a look that says,
'My Gosh, you're right! I never would've thought of that!''
Dave Barry
Do you know why they call it 'PMS'?
Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken.
Unknown, presumed deceased
'Everybody's got to believe in something.
I believe I'll have another beer.'
W. C. Fields