- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says - Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers - Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over - Miners Refuse to Work after Death - Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant - War Dims Hope for Peace - If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile - Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures - Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide - Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges - Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge - New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group - Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft - Kids Make Nutritious Snacks - Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half - Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors - Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some moron poked me in the eye with a stick !

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

I was shopping at the local super market where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. Can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. Package of bacon.

I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out.
A drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me,

I said: 'Well, you know what, you are absolutely right.
But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. 
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?"
"I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A dead end.
What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost?
Fasten your sheet belt.
How do ghosts fly from one place to another?
By scareplane.
What directions did the ghost give the goblin?
"Make a fright turn at the corner."
What kind of ghost haunts a hen house?
A poultry-geist.
Why do ghosts go to baseball games?
Because they like to boo the umpire.
What should you say when you meet a ghost?
"How do you boo, sir. How do you boo."
What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
Put your shocks and boos on.
What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A holy terror.
What tops off a ghost's sundae?
Whipped Scream
Why did the baby ghost go to the doctor before halloween?
To get a BOOster shot.
When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before someone screams.
What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk.
How do you make a milkshake?
You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"
Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
Because he's always a goblin.
Why do ghosts like to ride elevators?
It raises their spirits.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
He didn't have a haunting license.

 Who is working?
-160 million are retired, leaving 140 million to do the work. 
-  There are 85 million in school, leaving 55 million to do the work.
- Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government, leaving 15 million to do the work.
- 2.8 million are in the armed forces, leaving 12.2 million to do the work.
- 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments, leaving 1.4 million to do the work.
- At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
- There are 1,211,998 people in prisons, leaving 2 people to do the work.
You and me. And you are sitting at your computer, reading jokes.
 (:^||

Distance Calculations
Two blondes who were living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking,
and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, Can you see Florida ?????"
Car Trouble
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She Tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
Speeding Ticket
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
River Walk
There's this blonde out for a walk.
She comes to a River and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
She shouts "Yoo-hoo! How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
At the Doctor's Office
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left Shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed.
Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
Knitting
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car On the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
In a Vacuum
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science and Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
The Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had Acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

Below, are examples of sixth grade research projects. Enjoy...

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the Java.
7. Julius Caesar extinquished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out Tee hee, Brutus.
8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
9. Queen Elizabeth was the Virgin Queen. As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted hurrah.
10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet is an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, A horse divided against itself cannot stand. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.
    People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine.
    The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. 
    Cyrus McCormick invented the
    McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
    Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
    Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
    Madman Curie discovered radio.
    Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

I'm so old, I waited for a stop sign to turn green.
Why did the dog lick my hand? Cause I ran out of toilet paper...ewwwe.
My girlfriend is so pretty, the older I get, the better she looks. Thats not a joke though.
If a marriage is an institution, and love is blind, then chapels are an institute for the blind.