If Daddy dies, we'll be in Heaven.
I'll take Police Brutality for $20 million Alex.
Brides thoughts at a wedding: Aisle, Alter, Hymm.
Law of Thermodynamics:  Everything gets worse under pressure
Congressmen should have a two term limit: 1 in office, 1 in jail.
Statistical fact : Half of all marriages end in divorce. The other half end in death.
Physics: Stress = unit of force per unit area. People: Stress = To force of physics on people.
Mob Restaurant Menu Item : Blackened Bluefish, well battered

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. 
This is how it manifests:
- I decide to water my garden.
- As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
- As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
- I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
- I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
- So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
- But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
- I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.
- My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
- I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
- The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
- As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye. They need water.
- I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
- I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
- I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
  Someone left it on the kitchen table.
- I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the
- remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
- but first I'll water the flowers.
- I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
- So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
- Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. 
At the end of the day:
- The car isn't washed
- The bills aren't paid
- There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
- The flowers don't have enough water,
- There is still only 1 check in my check book,
- I can't find the remote,
- I can't find my glasses,
- And I don't remember what I did with the car keys. 
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired. 
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail.

She combs her hair back and I comb my hair forward to hide the bald spot
She sleeps on my side of the bed, and I sleep on hers
We call each other by our middle names
She doesn't need a bra and I do
We quit sleeping spoons
Now we sleep like ladles
When she goes down on me, it's to tie my shoes
Our sex positions were whole numbers (1..69), now they're fractions (1/2..3/4)

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?  Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?  The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone   
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?  The position of the dirt bag   
Why is divorce so expensive?  Because it's worth it   
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?  Doughnuts   
Why is air a lot like sex?  Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any   
What do you call a smart blonde?  A golden retriever   
What do attorneys use for birth control?  Their personalities   
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?  45 lbs   
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?  45 minutes   
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?  Through his chest with a sharp knife   
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?  Because those men already have boyfriends   
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?  After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?  The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving   
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?  Because they have cotton balls
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?  A porcupine has the pricks on the outside
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?  "Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?  Mace will do that to you
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?  Everyone has the same DNA
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?  Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it   
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?  A different bar   
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?  A speech impediment   
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?  They're hiring   
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?  Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!   
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?  A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..." 

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep. 
One who's  handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.  
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks. 
I pray he's gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. 
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.  
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind.  
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" 
I pray that this man will love me to no end.
And always be my very best friend.  

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store, a golf course and a bass boat.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.

- You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
- You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
- Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
- You burn your yard rather than mow it.
- You think "The Nutcracker" is a vice on the work bench.
- The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
- You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
- You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
- You come back from the dump with more than you took.
- You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
- Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
- Your grandmother has "ammo"on her Christmas list.
- You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
- You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
- You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
- You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
- You have a rag for a gas cap.
- Your house doesn't have curtains,but your truck does.
- You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean?
- You can spit without opening your mouth.
- You consider your license plate personalized  because your father made it.
- Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
- You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
- The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
- Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
- You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
- A tornado hits your neighborhood  and does $10 worth of damage.
- A tornado hits your neighborhood  and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
- You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
- You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
- You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65

Why don't cows shrink after it rains?
Why do cows have a hide?
To keep them from falling apart!
Why did the elephant paint her toe nails red?
So she could hide in a strawberry patch.
Why did the elephant hide in a tree?
She couldn't find a strawberry tree.
What's black and white and read all over?
A newspaper.
How many squirrels does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They keep playing with their nuts.
How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They're just too darned stupid.
Why did the deer cross the road?
To get hit by a car.

The doctor told Mr Carrot, he'll will be fine, but his wife, Mrs Carrot, will always be a vegetable.
The Lettuce family head was also involved, but he only required only a light dressing.

PREACHER: "Dear Lord, without you we are but dust."
CHILD: "Mom, what is butt dust?"

---

Watching his Mom breast-feeding.
CHILD: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

---

CHILD: "Granny how old are you.
GRANNY: "I don't remember anymore".
CHILD "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

---

Hugging/kissing his Mom goodnight.
CHILD: "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

---

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?

---

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

---

D I (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

---

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

---

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

---

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt. Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

---

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

---

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

---

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

---

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

---

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

---

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

---

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

---

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh...

---

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

---

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it?

---

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

---

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

---

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral. What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

---

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law