|Here is the joke corner of Lvdude. Enjoy.|
04/02/2005 12:15:00Jim Things men do, when their spouse leaves for vacati
Learn how to use the remote control.
Drink milk from the carton.
Stack the trash can 2 feet over the top.
Leave dirty clothes on the floor.
Pee in the sink cause its closer than the bathroom
Say: shit instead of doo doo, piss instead of tinkle
Sit on the couch totally naked.
Call old girlfriends.
Get snot slinging drunk.
Leave the toilet seat up.
07/23/2004 22:28:38jim MARTHA STEWARTS TIPS FOR REDNECKS
MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
07/23/2004 09:56:35jim Joke Definitions
Adult: A person who has quit growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle
Committee: A meeting that takes minutes and wastes hours.
Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
Egotist: People me-deep in conversations.
Hankercheif: Cold storage.
Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper
Mosquito: a. An insect that makes you like flies better. b. An insect that bites you and flies better.
Secret: Something you tell to everyone in private.
Skeleton: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
Tommorrow: An invention that saves time and effort.
02/11/2004 09:24:10jim Point to Ponder
Is the model of the Statue of Liberty wearing underwear? Well, some things we'll just never know.
01/31/2004 23:02:17jim December 2004
Friday, December 31, 2004 at 17:18:46 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
Words to Live By : From Mark at firstname.lastname@example.org
- Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
- Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
- Eat crap in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
- If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
- If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
- Never buy a car you can't push.
- If you put both feet in your mouth you won't have a leg to stand on
- Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
- Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
- We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
- A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
- Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much
Friday, December 31, 2004 at 10:02:28 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
Auld Lang Syne means OLD LONG AGO?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne.
Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne?
And here's a hand, my trusty friend And gie's a hand o' thine
We'll tak' a cup o' kindness yet For auld lang syne
Here's an excerpt from the song I just don't understand
We twa hae run aboot the braes
And pu'd the gowans fine.
We've wandered mony a weary foot, Sin' auld lang syne.
Friday, December 31, 2004 at 09:51:06 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!
Just be glad you're here and not Phuket, Thailand.
Wednesday, December 29, 2004 at 10:28:58 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
For no reason whatsover, I checked vital statistics.
There are 8,000,000,000 people in the world
Our average life span is 76 years old.
8,000,000,000 / 76 / 365 = 288,392 that die every day.
That works out to 20 people a minute.
Where do they go? That's a lot of people!
The Grim Reaper has to be busier than Santa Claus!
Wednesday, December 29, 2004 at 10:20:24 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
I've had this silly blog up for almost a year now!
Wednesday, December 29, 2004 at 10:15:21 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
Jerry Orbach died from prostate cancer. For anyone who watches Law & Order (like I do), he played Lenny Brisko. He was my favorite character on that show.
Tuesday, December 28, 2004 at 05:07:12 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
The quality of life is!
When someone loves you in spite of yourself. I've got that kind of love coming at me, and coming from me. That's that special quality...that hug in the night...or that call...or that lick from a dog...that's what makes life special. I'm rich, not with money, but with people. People (and dogs) are so special.
Tuesday, December 28, 2004 at 04:56:13 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
Still, this is the thing
What I really mean, is what I say...your's are the sweatest eyes, I've ever seen. And you can tell everybody...that this is my song...It might be quite simple but...now that it's sung...I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I put down in words...HOW WONDERFUL LIFE IS, WHILE YOUR IN THE WORLD!
Tuesday, December 28, 2004 at 04:47:26 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
I've got my blessings.
When I woke up at 4am, I just stared at the ceiling. Becky, in her sleep, reached over and grabbed me. Nothing is more precious than that. That, in spite of who you are, you have someone who cherishes you. That is why I'm alive. I suppose, that's what Rob didn't realize. He was special. One year ago...almost today. F...I'm drunk, and this is my blog.
Tuesday, December 28, 2004 at 04:42:32 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
Well, true to color
I drank at least a 12 pack tonight. Didn't hurt anyone. Becky and I were even up about $200 at one time. I think we left flat broke, stopped off at a neighbors. I let their kids toss me around. All-in-all, I'd call the night a drunken success. Here's to ya, New Years. I'm still around kickin up the dirt! All ain't lost till its said and done.
Monday, December 27, 2004 at 11:48:44 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
Nothing about Las Vegas is fake.
We had the Statue of Liberty, the Eiffel Tower and the Great Pyramids here first! lol.
Ok, Mikey's right. Everything about Las Vegas is fake.
I used to work at the Showboat (it was in the middle of the desert). Try to find anybody who speaks French working at the Paris Hotel/Casino; you won't.
Celebrating my first day of sobriety today
I drank a six pack yesterday and a six pack on Christmas. That may not seem like much, but, to an old geezer like me, it is.
It looks like its going to be a gloomy week in Vegas, weatherwise.
Rain is predicted for most of the week. It's sprinkling now and the world seems to have a gray hue to it. At least we're not having earthquakes of 9th magnitude. Ewwe.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 at 17:07:52 (PST) <Mike Ginsburg>
Los Angeles being the most studly town in the world, probably is used to simulate NYC for "Crime and Disorder". But, you gotta love NYC. An extremely studly town too. You should go for a visit someday. I am just lucky I went when I could ride the elevators of the WTC. Crawl up into the crown and the torch of the Statue of Liberty. Can't do that anymore. Even before 9/11. NYC is a great town, and vey studly. An individual can not be studly until you've visited there. I think you need to go for New Years eve at Times Sq. I think its over a million people. Triple the number of perople on the strip new years eve. And NYC is absolutely zero percent fake. Unlike LV. Not that I don't like LV.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 at 09:00:54 (PST) <Jim>
Hey Mikey, I thought Law and Order was filmed right there in Los Angeles. We were at Universal Studios and they had signs made up, and a little New York sprawlled out. To look at the way they've got it all set up, you'd think the Dinosaurs on Jurrasic Park were only 2" tall.
Sunday, December 26, 2004 at 08:56:28 (PST) <Jim>
There's got to be a morning after!
Yesterday was FUN! Chuck, Patty, Michelle and Sonny came over. Later, Becky and I went to Grams to hook up with Paul, Jennifer, Dustin, George, D.O.G., Amy, Robert, Joy, Skip, and lets see...who else. It was a very special day.
Today, however, I've got a little beer hangover.
That means...I'm not doing anything today haha (except for maybe playing computer games and watching tube).
HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!
Sunday, December 26, 2004 at 06:42:54 (PST) <Mike Ginsburg>
Hay Jimmy. Next Sunday, 1/2/05, a 12 hour "Crime and Disorder" marathon on TNT.
I know wat you and miss Rebecca will be doing. For those uninformed, "Crime and Disorder" is the name that should have been given to "Law and Order" for the rogue copper mental state shown. It should be written like the old Dragnet episodes, then ok. Now, that Jack Webb. Boy ws he a screenwriter!! Besides NYC is where L&O is filmed, and we know how that town will be until Jimmy visits it...
Saturday, December 25, 2004 at 08:44:45 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
Merry Christmas Everyone!
Nobody's called yet. Becky and I are up and dressed in Christmas colors. The presents are all wrapped. My turkey has been smoking in applewood for over 24 hours (it should be done by now). The highlight of today will probably be watching Becky's little ones open their presents. It's 40 degrees outside, so, it's going to be a chilly one today here in Las Vegas. Ya'll have a nice Christmas, ya hear!
Friday, December 24, 2004 at 17:33:31 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
Yesterday, I got a little tipsy, drank some brandy
I got on the phone and called several people (Butch, Lewis, Newberry,...), asking them the jovial question "Name 10 things you shouldn't do with your pecker". I said, you should never pick a door lock with it, cause you don't know if someone's going to open it. And don't use it as a meat thermometer, or a voltage tester. Now, maybe my sense of humor is kind of wry, but I thought it was funny. Plus, I always like it when people I haven't heard from call me out of the blue.
Robert, Joy, Amy, Rico and some other people came over last night
We shot off 1,000 firecrackers before the police came over. Ricco ran like a deer to his house. I had a push broom out cleaning up the mess. The cops asked if I expoded the firecrackers and I lied...said, nope, someone driving by did it, they must have liked my dumpster. Then I hosed everything down. Never tell a policeman the truth. It always works against you. :)
Took some sleeping pills, passed out. Woke up and Becky was sleeping on the couch.
I asked her "WHY?". She said I was sprawled out on the bed, hard as a rock. She couldn't budge me an inch. So the couch was her bed. She stayed up till 5am. First time that's ever happened. We've been sleeping together every night for 4 years now. Hmmm. Guess those internet sleeping pills work better than I thought! My eyes have been all puffy lately
Is eggnog allergenic? That's about the only thing I could think of that I've consumed thats different. Hmmmm.
Thursday, December 23, 2004 at 09:32:09 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
We're smoking a 15lb ham.
Can't roll it, so we're having to put it into a pipe to light it. lol.
I wrote a program to create HTML Web pages from pictures
It works great here. I put a web page of News Years Eve pics out there. It took an hour to upload. Most of the pictures I saved on my site don't display at all. Some do, which makes it a curiosity to me. Click here to see what I mean.
It has to be my website's host (Earthlink). I've wasted a lot of time trying to get around Earthlink's case-sensitive unix based server. I've had to rewrite my site at least 30 times to get something to work. What a pain! I always have to do some type of voodoo to make things work after I upload. I need a new web host!
Another Christmas away from home
I only received cards from solicitors. I accomplished dream. I've become a nobody. It took some time and effort. I've finally fallen off the face of the earth.
If anybody does read this blog anymore (which I doubt)...be careful what you wish for, you may get it. The Christmas parties are gone (the ones where everybody is happy to see me). No one writes. I burned my bridges to find out who I was when I wasn't standing on someone elses shoulders. I feel like a nobody.
Back when I was breaking up with Ruth in 2000, my world was falling apart.
I didn't want anybody to see that happen to me. I broke off all my contacts and more or less crawlled into a hole, here inside this house. Rob was one of the few people I would talk to. He came over to check on me one time when I didn't answer my phone for a week. I guess he thought I killed myself or something. I should have been worried about him as it turned out. Who'd ever think that Rob would off himself during the holidays.
Another Christmas farther away from home
Christmas seems to morph itself every year. Skip just got up and said "ALRIGHT. PEOPLE!". He's been lusting over that ham we've been smoking. He wanted some and he just got some. yum.
I did a no-no last night. I got my dog disgustingly drunk.
Squirt and I were playing tug-of-war with a rope. He fell over, knocking down my Eggnog. It spilled everywhere. I mopped it up, put it into a bowl, and gave it to him. He'd get up on the couch and stare at a pillow. lol. I'm so bad.
Friday, December 17, 2004 at 22:27:32 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
Just left Jarri (Allred) and Tim Brookes place
Attending the send off for Timmy Allred was pretty much everybody and everybody looked great! We honored Timmy's favorite tradition and had Taco's, beer, soda and potato chips.
I'll say it once again...the Allreds are a rare breed.
Few tears were shed, only good things were said, lots of hugs and laughs, with good times abound (I like to say that word 'abound').
Friday, December 17, 2004 at 22:20:10 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
I know what I want to do now
I want to be a taste tester for Bud Light, and I want to rate TV show's for the Neilson's Ratings. And I want to do it at home. And, I want to add my test/ratings to my TV's remote control for efficiency. This way you see, I can work TWO jobs, and fully retire in half the time! OH YEAH! I'm a genious.
Friday, December 17, 2004 at 00:11:31 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
Four people talked to me about suicide in the last year
Two of them did it. If someone talks about suicide, listen, do something!
Its more serious than anyone thinks.
Suicide is the 9th leading cause of death in the United States
Suicide is the third leading cause of death for children 15-19 years old.
80% of suicide attempters communicate their intentions verbally prior to their attempt. 20% communicate the notion that they are at risk through their behavior.
Depression is a common antecedent to suicide.
Saturday and Monday have been common days for suicidal acts to occur. There is a low percentage (5%) of suicides attributed to mental illness.
Nevada and Alaska are the top suicide states in the nation
Suicide occurs most often in April and May or in late fall and early winter
Thursday, December 16, 2004 at 21:02:35 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
The Kansas City Interview was a complete bomb!
The techie guy asked odd questions. I wanted to tell him Einstein's words, "Never remember anything you can reference in less than two minutes". He was asking for the names of views that nobody, except for someone that just got of school, would use. Everything he asked me, I could have told him within 10 seconds if I had a Tandem computer at my finger tips. Oh well. There loss.
Thursday, December 16, 2004 at 09:44:37 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
Kansas City Interview with Sprint
Sprint is acquiring Nextel and moving their headquarters from Kansas City to Virginia. It seems odd to me that in a merger like this, where they expect to lay off 20,000 employees, they'd have an openning for a new position. Anyway, I'll be doing a phone interview with these people at 1pm. Wish me luck!
If I get the job, I'll be saying bye bye to Las Vegas. I plan on keeping my property here though.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004 at 23:14:11 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
Tim's death makes me so very greatful for what I've got!
That sounds bizarre I know, but this year I have had good health, great love and I'm still very much alive!
I can still make this a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Years for myself and others.
I only wish Rob and Timmy could have seen things that way. It ain't over till its over. They could have hung out with us and made our lives a little better.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004 at 21:43:09 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
Another depressing New Year and Christmas is coming,
Auld Lang Syne and all that.
I just want us all to grow old together.
I want to love, laugh and smile as my face withers with time.
I want to be in the company of my old friends,
but it gets harder every year, as life fades to the end.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004 at 21:18:38 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
I know I'm not much of a man, but
I know I owe my life to this universe and when I die, my universe will die with me. After that, I will be born back to that which delivered me to this place. If you read that a couple of times, it may make sense to you.
I am grateful for this glimpse of the universe
We owe life only one thing in return for this gift, and that is our death. Its our death that gives life. How strange it is to rush it though. It was this gift of life that gave us our only chance to change the future, and make it a better place for the next life. "Our kingdom come, thy will be done, ON EARTH, as it is in Heaven".
Wednesday, December 15, 2004 at 19:03:26 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
Tim Allred -12/14/2004. Tim was a good man. I had known Timmy for a period of over 18 years. We talked a couple of months ago, talked about Rob, suicide, his troubles. He felt his life was going downhill. Losing his driver's license, losing his marriage, maybe it was. Dreamers and lovers feel a different kind of pain.
. Tim spoke with wit and humor. I never heard him say anything bad about anyone, or hurt anyone. He could meet a person at their level of conversation and stay with it.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004 at 11:55:54 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
Timothy Allred killed himself yesterday
Missy called crying. Oh my.
Something about Christmas seems to bring death.
Monday, December 13, 2004 at 10:42:18 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
Taking "The Big Loop" as I call it, around Vegas.
We're gonna give one of Roberts friends a ride to the airport. That'll take us through the North, South and East sides of town. The 20 mile drive should take 90 minutes.
Monday, December 13, 2004 at 10:39:04 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
Yesterday was filled with "Fencing On My Mind".
I bought cement, a post and some fencing mesh to at least keep my dog in the back yard. Days like yesterday are just no fun.
Becky and I went to the imfamous Blue Ox
I won $140 off of our $60. I'm happy!
Saturday, December 11, 2004 at 15:18:25 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
I called the law on my neighbor
6 Rotweillers were in my yard again this morning. I've done all I could with him. My only recourse was to get the police involved. He got the dogs out before the police arrived. I gave him the heads up, and told him I called the cops because he said yesterday, 'Do whatever you have to do'. Now he won't answer my calls.
He's being a total jerk, which makes me want to be a jerk right back. He put up fiberglass awning material thats 10 foot tall over the fence.
This makes him a stupid jerk.
First of all - It's WAY out of code. Without a variance, a fence can only be 6' tall in this county.
Second - It won't stop a rotweiller from breaking through.
Third - They didn't break through the fence today, they dug under the it.
I told the cops about last night, and that one dog was trying to get inside my house. So...it looks like I'm calling in a code violation on him Monday.
The fucker must pay!
Saturday, December 11, 2004 at 03:48:28 (PST) <jim>
I came home tonight. Found Squirt in the side yard. Got him out. Later the neighbors dog (Robert's) jumped over the fence. He had Squirt in his mouth. I came out, and for the first time, I thought of killing an animal. I called the owner. I'm going to have to go after him, and that's sad. After all of the intrusions into my life that he's caused, I'm going to have to come after him.
Saturday, December 11, 2004 at 03:43:18 (PST) <jim>
Watching Heart Beat with Don Johnson. That was one of Chris Faheys favorites. I tried to push it on Rob Allred. Anyway, those best friends are gone. How long will it take till we meet again. The awesome trio. :(
Friday, December 10, 2004 at 18:45:18 (PST) <jim>
Hopefully, this website works for everyone coming here.
We've just been hanging around. Joy, Becky and I are playing Hoyle Double Cross right now.
My neighbor gave me a 27" stereo TV.
He was going to toss it in my dumpster because it had some lines running through the screen. I fixed it. Now it's mine! YEAH!
Robert (my rear neighbor came over to ask me if I signed a complaint against his dogs
I told him I'd never do that without notifying him first and giving him the chance to correct the problem. That would be the point of filing a complaint anyway.
His next door neighbor signed my name to some complaint she filed. People can be so petty. Why would she do that?
Thursday, December 09, 2004 at 13:26:42 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
Reinstalled this website. Let me know what you think!
Friday, December 03, 2004 at 00:27:09 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
Welded my Electric Scooter, caught it on fire!
Well, I welded it with a wire feed welder, and it burst into black flames.
MAN, WHAT A SIGHT! The weld took, it works fine but it's still a crappy little bike. Now, it looks like one too!
Guess I should have tested the welder on some scrap metal first, and experimented with the various tips a little. Live and Learn.
Thursday, December 02, 2004 at 21:54:56 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
I'm glad nobody reads this Blog
I found out tonight, I can earn up to two degrees a year. Becky and I went to the college tonight. All of my credits are still good.
It pays to take the hardest classes, even if easier ones are available.
Lesseeenow, I could be a nurse, realtor, biochemist, radiologist and a programmer. hehe. Now that should be a sellable set of skills!
Thursday, December 02, 2004 at 20:57:06 (PST) <Jim Cutlar>
I was the inspiration for Becky, Dustin, and Jennifer to write to Renee (who's belongs to a cult in Victorville).
Renee had sent us a letter telling us how much we need to be saved and that we still had time. For my letter, I had told Renee that I don't need to be saved by her. Then I mentioned that neither do the Buddist, Hindu's, Protestants and Jews of the world, and don't even try to save a Mormon or Jehova's Witness.
Renee, who's 20, and has (I think) graduated from BADD, and may even graduate from their high school(no Renee, it's not speled Hi Skool), believes that we need to be saved by their Jesus Christ. She also believes that Christ will provide her with a baby. She's way out their. I hope she finds god in something other than a poorly rewritten 1600's book.
All I know is, I helped her, gave her my money, my time, taken her on trips, camping, shuttled her all over the place. I never asked for anything. She stole, told lies, and committed quite a few sins against the people I love.
I never heard her once say, I'm sorry. She will say that to her imaginary friend, Jesus.
Jesus forgives her for her sins and the people she has hurt are going to hell.
Is that insane or what?
Renee's story is a very sad one. I think she's past hope.
I just hope she doesn't cut someones head off while proclaiming "God is Great".
Renee was kidnapped and she's fallen in love with her captors.
By definition, kidnapping is taking someone against their will. She was told she was going to Disneyland. She was dragged out of the vehicle. She was turned over to some strangers, in a strange town, in a strange building. It was all a lie.
Now, she's chased me away and all I ever did was help her.
Cool Words from Buddism
"Man himself is responsible for his own happiness and misery.
He creates his own heaven and hell.
He is master of his own destiny, child of his past and parent of his future."
I'll leave Renee to live in her own hell or heaven.
I love her and wish her well.
For me, I believe Heaven and Hell are insane concepts
Come on! Heaven and Hell don't even make sense. They're made up by people desparately hanging to life. Ironically, it seems these people either fear death the most, or they are so insane, they strap a bomb to themselves to murder other people. I'm sick of these idiots.
I'm just going to hang out, enjoy this life, and I'm going to be just fine.
While I'm at it, why do they always speak latin in Church?
And why do the people always say Amen to it. What if the Priest was saying "Mary Had A Little Lamb"? Who speaks Latin these days anyway?
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