Jokes

- I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox that said I can have good sex at 75.

I'm so happy! I live at number apartment 72.

- Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

- Frustration is trying to find your glasses without yourglasses.

- Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

- The irony of life is that,

by the time you're old enough to know your way around,you're not going anywhere.

- God made man before woman so as to give him time to thinkof an answer for her first question.

- I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
- Answering machine message,

"I am not available right now

I am making some changes in my life.

Leave a message.

If I do not return your call,

you are one of the changes."

- My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

Old is When

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door

Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

An 'all nighter' means not getting out of the bathroom anytime soon.

You are not sure these are jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (Project Management at its best).

You may be a Muslim If:
01. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
02. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
03. You have more wives than teeth.
04. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
05. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
06. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
07. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
08. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
09.You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

If I was a turtle,
I think I'd want to live in Mississippi.
They seem to be happier there.

After a year of extensive gene therapy and training at Sensadyn Labs, a flat worm has surprisingly learned to play the guitar.
It's favorite song - Layla