Jokes
Here is the joke corner of Lvdude. Enjoy.
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Thu 
12/27/2012 10:53:53
 jim  OLD IS WHEN...
Old is When
  • Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
  • Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
  • A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door
  • Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
  • You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
  • You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
  • 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
  • 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
  • An 'all nighter' means not getting out of the bathroom anytime soon.
  • You are not sure these are jokes?
  • Wed 
    04/18/2012 03:38:51
     jim  Rules of Consulting
  • If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • He who hesitates is probably right.
  • Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  • Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • Two wrongs are only the beginning.
  • Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (Project Management at its best).
  • Fri 
    03/16/2012 07:35:54
     QuadCities  You May Be Muslim If - Jeff Foxworthy
    You may be a Muslim If:
    01. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
    02. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
    03. You have more wives than teeth.
    04. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean. 
    05. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
    06. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
    07. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
    08. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
    09.You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
    Fri 
    02/10/2012 19:35:59
     jokes  Strange Thoughts
    If I was a turtle,
    I think I'd want to live in Mississippi.
    They seem to be happier there.
    Thu 
    02/09/2012 18:47:07
     Jokes  Engineered Flatworms

    After a year of extensive gene therapy and training at Sensadyn Labs, a flat worm has surprisingly learned to play the guitar.
    It's favorite song - Layla

    Thu 
    02/09/2012 13:04:29
     jokes  OLD IS WHEN...
    Old is When
  • Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
  • Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
  • A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door
  • Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
  • You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
  • You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
  • 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
  • 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
  • An 'all nighter' means not getting out of he bathroom anytime soon.
  • You are not sure these are jokes?
  • Thu 
    06/30/2011 19:35:59
     jim  Strange Thoughts
    If I was a turtle, I think I'd want to live in Mississippi. They seem to be happier there.
    Mon 
    04/18/2011 03:38:51
     jokes  Rules of Consulting
  • If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • He who hesitates is probably right.
  • Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  • Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • Two wrongs are only the beginning.
  • Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
  • Tue 
    02/15/2011 03:15:59
     jim  The Female Point System
    The Female Point System
    In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
    SIMPLE DUTIES
    +1 You make the bed
    0 You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow
    -1 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets
    +5 You go out to buy her what she wants
    +8 in the rain
    -5 But return with Beer
    +1 You check out a suspicious noise at night
    0 You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing
    +5 You check out a suspicious noise and it is something
    +10 You pummel it with iron rod
    SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
    0 You stay by her side the entire party
    You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old
    -2 school friend
    -10 Named Tina
    -20 Tina is a dancer
    -80 Tina has silicone implants
    HER BIRTHDAY
    +2 You take her out to dinner
    +3 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar
    -2 Okay, it's a sports bar
    -3 And it's all-you-can-eat night
    -10 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favourite team
    A NIGHT OUT
    +1 You take her to a movie
    +3 You take her to a movie she likes
    +6 You take her to a movie you hate
    -2 You take her to a movie you like
    -3 It's called 'Death Cop'
    -15 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans
    YOUR PHYSIQUE
    -15 You develop a noticeable potbelly
    +10 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it
    -30 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts
    -8000 You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."
    THE BIG QUESTION
    -5 She asks, "Do I look fat?"
    -10 You hesitate in responding
    -35 You reply, "Where?"
    -20 Any other response
    COMMUNICATION
    When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
    0 looks like a concerned expression
    +50 You listen, for over 30 minutes
    +500 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV
    -4000 She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep
    Fri 
    02/11/2011 18:34:18
     jim  Aphorisms
    APHORISM:
    A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE THAT EXPRESSES A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH
    1. The nicest thing about the future is . . . that it always starts tomorrow.
    2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
    3. If you don't have a sense Ľof humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
    4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
    5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
    6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
    7. Business conventions are important . . . because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
    8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
    9. Scratch a cat . . .. and you will have a permanent job.
    10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.
    11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
    12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. - like, it could be the right number.
    13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
    14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.
    15. Be careful about reading the fine print. . . . There's no way you're going to like it.
    16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
    17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos in strange places? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
    18. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead.
    19. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind . . . . and the ones that mind don't matter.
    20. Life isn't tied with a bow . . . . . . . but it's still a gift.
    Thu 
    02/03/2011 21:09:33
     jim  Jerry Seinfield
  • According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right?
  • Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot forgot his keys.
  • Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
  • I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy works so hard to keeping it going, they should give him a raise.
  • I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time?
  • I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
  • I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."
  • It's amazing how the amount of news that happens every day fits the newspaper exactly.
  • Men want the same things from both their women and underwear: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
  • My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.
  • Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
  • People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
  • There's a lot of ugly people out there walking around that don't know they're ugly. Nobody actually tells them.
  • Do you really a shower radio? Is that a good place to dance,  on a slick surface next to a glass door.
  • Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason
  • The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with?
  • The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning. 
  • What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that on many job interviews, is there no chance you'll wind up naked.
  • Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
  • You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."
  • You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."
  • Fri 
    01/28/2011 05:57:14
     Jokes  Dave Barry Quotes
  • Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
  • American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, if it has fat in it.
  • And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.
  • As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
  • Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
  • Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
  • Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
  • Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
  • Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
  • Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!
  • Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
  • Escargot is French for fat crawling bag of phlegm.
  • Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.
  • Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
  • For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
  • Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.
  • Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
  • Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
  • Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
  • Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
  • I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
  • I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.
  • I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
  • I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.
  • I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.
  • I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.
  • If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
  • If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
  • If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.
  • If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
  • In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.
  • In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.
  • It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
  • It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
  • It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
  • It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.
  • Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
  • Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
  • My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
  • Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
  • Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  • Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.
  • Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
  • Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
  • Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
  • People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
  • Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
  • Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
  • Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.
  • Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
  • Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
  • The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
  • The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
  • The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.
  • The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.
  • The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
  • The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.
  • The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
  • The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.
  • The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.
  • The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.
  • The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.
  • The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
  • The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.
  • The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
  • The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.
  • There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.
  • Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
  • To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
  • To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.
  • Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
  • We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.
  • We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.
  • We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.
  • We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.
  • We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
  • What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
  • What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.
  • You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
  • Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

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