- You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
- You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
- Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
- You burn your yard rather than mow it.
- You think "The Nutcracker" is a vice on the work bench.
- The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
- You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
- You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
- You come back from the dump with more than you took.
- You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
- Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
- Your grandmother has "ammo"on her Christmas list.
- You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
- You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
- You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
- You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
- You have a rag for a gas cap.
- Your house doesn't have curtains,but your truck does.
- You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean?
- You can spit without opening your mouth.
- You consider your license plate personalized  because your father made it.
- Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
- You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
- The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
- Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
- You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
- A tornado hits your neighborhood  and does $10 worth of damage.
- A tornado hits your neighborhood  and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
- You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
- You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
- You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65

Why don't cows shrink after it rains?
Why do cows have a hide?
To keep them from falling apart!
Why did the elephant paint her toe nails red?
So she could hide in a strawberry patch.
Why did the elephant hide in a tree?
She couldn't find a strawberry tree.
What's black and white and read all over?
A newspaper.
How many squirrels does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They keep playing with their nuts.
How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They're just too darned stupid.
Why did the deer cross the road?
To get hit by a car.

The doctor told Mr Carrot, he'll will be fine, but his wife, Mrs Carrot, will always be a vegetable.
The Lettuce family head was also involved, but he only required only a light dressing.

PREACHER: "Dear Lord, without you we are but dust."
CHILD: "Mom, what is butt dust?"

---

Watching his Mom breast-feeding.
CHILD: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

---

CHILD: "Granny how old are you.
GRANNY: "I don't remember anymore".
CHILD "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

---

Hugging/kissing his Mom goodnight.
CHILD: "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

---

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?

---

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

---

D I (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

---

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

---

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

---

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt. Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

---

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

---

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

---

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

---

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

---

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

---

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

---

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

---

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh...

---

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

---

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it?

---

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

---

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

---

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral. What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

---

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

The first book of the bible was Geniuses.
God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an Apple tree.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.
Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
The Jews ate unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. 
Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar.
Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Mary had Jesus through an immaculate contraption.
When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
Three wise guys from the east side arrived and found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others before they do unto you.
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistels were the wives of the apostals.
One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.

Earn an almost tax free living at home As a minister ordained by Rose Ministries You can start your own church, officiate at weddings, or conduct any religious ceremony. Whether for a single ceremony or as a business, ordination grants you the full rights and privileges accorded ministers and priests of any major religion. With the credentials granted as part of your Rose Ministries ordination, you can legally provide all manner of religious services, and form a church, as a full or part-time business. You can qualify for tax-free status, and even accept money for your services. As a Legally Ordained Clergy-Member you can:

Weddings	Perform wedding ceremonies. Authorized in all 50 states.
Beliefs	Share your personal religious beliefs with others.
Respect	Earn the respect automatically accorded members of the clergy.
Tax Free	Qualify for tax free status as religious order.
Earn Money	If you wish, you can legally charge for the religious rites you perform; including weddings, funerals, services, and more!
Ceremonies	Lead, (even create your own!), religious ceremonies and rites as a legally ordained member of the clergy.
Church	Open a church to spread the fellowship of believers.
Legal in all 50 States	Legal in all 50 states. Some areas may require registration before conducting wedding ceremonies.
Preferred Treatment	As a Pastor, Minister, Cleric, Priest, Clergy-Member, Bishop: Ordained Clergy Members everywhere are provided preferred treatment, even price discounts, as a show of respect towards legally ordained religious leaders.
Prison Ministry	Visit prisons and bring hope and faith to those within.
Funerals	Conduct funeral ceremonies.
Title	Choose your own title: Minister, Reverend, Pastor, Cleric... you decide.

...all according to your beliefs.

Only $89.95

- A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
- A will is a dead giveaway.
- Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
- A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
- If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
- With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
- Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
- The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
- You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
- Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
- He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
- A calendar's days are numbered.
- A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine
- A boiled egg is hard to beat.
- He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
- The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium atlarge.
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
- When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
- If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
- When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Acupuncture: a jab well done.
- Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced

 

Romance
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = dumb baby
Office
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = boss's promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
Shopping
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
General
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Happiness
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Longevity
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Propensity to Change
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
Discussion
A man has the first word in any argument
A woman has the last.
How to stop people from bugging you about getting married
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals

If pro is opposite of con, then Congress is the opposite of progress
Friends don't let friends sleep with ugly people
Beauty is only a light switch away.
If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then let's get wasted and have the time of our lives.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick of her shit.
At the Ego Buffet, everyone is full of it.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
If voting could really change things then it would be illegal.
No wonder you always go home alone. 

Sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.  
Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 
Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That.  
Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In." 
Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Then switch to Espresso.  
In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors."  
Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."  
Dont use any punctuation
As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.
Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."  
Sing Along At The Opera.  
Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.  
Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropica Sounds All Day.  
Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.
When The Money Comes Out Of The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!  
Tell Your Children Over Dinner, Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.