Old is When

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door

Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

An 'all nighter' means not getting out of the bathroom anytime soon.

You are not sure these are jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (Project Management at its best).

You may be a Muslim If:
01. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
02. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
03. You have more wives than teeth.
04. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean. 
05. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
06. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
07. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
08. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
09.You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

If I was a turtle,
I think I'd want to live in Mississippi.
They seem to be happier there.

If I was a turtle, I think I'd want to live in Mississippi. They seem to be happier there.

APHORISM:
A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE THAT EXPRESSES A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH

1. The nicest thing about the future is . . . that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense •of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important . . . because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a cat . . .. and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. - like, it could be the right number.
13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.
15. Be careful about reading the fine print. . . . There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos in strange places? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead.
19. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind . . . . and the ones that mind don't matter.
20. Life isn't tied with a bow . . . . . . . but it's still a gift.

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right?

Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot forgot his keys.

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy works so hard to keeping it going, they should give him a raise.

I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time?

I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."

It's amazing how the amount of news that happens every day fits the newspaper exactly.

Men want the same things from both their women and underwear: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

There's a lot of ugly people out there walking around that don't know they're ugly. Nobody actually tells them.

Do you really a shower radio? Is that a good place to dance,  on a slick surface next to a glass door.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with?

The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning. 

What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that on many job interviews, is there no chance you'll wind up naked.

Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?

You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."