A jumper-lead walks into a bar. The barman says, " I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, " Sorry we don't serve food in here."

Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: " Pint please, and one for the road."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was dull but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: " Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.' "
    "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 
    "Is it common? "
    " It's not unusual…."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
    One says, " I think I've lost an electron."
    The other says, " Are you sure? "
    The first replies, " Yes, I'm positive…"

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" 
    "Well, "says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
    Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "
    No, because he's really heavy. "

Two elephants walk off a cliff…… boom boom!

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
    And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
    It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
    And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
    He shouted, " Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!
   The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off. "

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
    Police say that he topped himself.

How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.
How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way.
How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ? They Take The Psychopath
How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It
What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids
What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick
What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.
What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Cinco.
What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.
What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.
What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.
What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.
What Do You Call a Dog With No Legs? Doesn't matter. He's NOT coming to you!
Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.
Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.
What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ? The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.
What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.
Where do one-legged waitresses go to find work? IHop

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning me dicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26 . Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what is going on.

After extensive gene therapy at Sensadyn Labs,
a flat worm has actually learned to play the guitar.
It's favorite song - Layla

Looking for my wallet and my car keys,Well they can’t have gone too far;
And just as soon as I find my glasses, I’m sure I’ll see just where they are.

Supposed to meet someone for lunch today,But I can’t remember where
Or who it is that I am meeting: It’s in my organiser ~ somewhere.

I might have left it on the counter; Maybe outside in the car.
Last time I remember driving Was to that Memory Enhancement Seminar.

What's that far-off distant ringing and that strangely familiar tone?
Must be the person I am meeting, Calling me on my brand new cordless ‘phone.

I might have left it under the covers, Or maybe outside on the lawn;
And I’ve got just one more ring to go, Before my answering machine kicks on.

*Click*

“Hi, this is Tom and your call means a lot to me, So leave a message at the tone
And I’ll do my best to try to remember To call you back when I get home.”

*Beep*

“Tom, this is Gwendoline, and I am trying not to cry, But I’ve been waiting here for over an hour ~
I thought you loved me. This is goodbye!”

Hell, the voice sounds familiar, And the name it rings a bell.
Let’s see now, where was I? Oh well...

Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist ".
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
When blondes have more fun, but do they know it?
Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.
Learn from your parents' mistakes, use birth control.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Don't Drink and Drive! You might hit a bump and spill something.
If at first you don't succeed, Skydiving is not for you.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Time's fun when you're having flies. ......Kermit the Frog
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge someday to produce reproductive organs.
Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi
Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Gun Control means using both hands
The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand collection agencies company.
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
Wife - "What do you think you're doing?"
Husband - "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,"
Wife - "Put them back! We can't afford them,"
They carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on
the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
Husband - "What do you think you're doing?"
Wife - "Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,"
Husband - "So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's half the price."
**Clean up on Aisle 25. We have a husband down!

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